Pablo's Ponderings

A Call for Compassion

2012-01-26T14:22:00.003-07:00

As a family therapist I find myself looking people in the face that have had to deal with intolerance on many levels, and over the years I have found my views on feminism, LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Queer) population, immigration and other issues have become much more nuanced than in the first 1/2 of my Mormon adult life. It's difficult to talk to people about it, though. I enjoy a civil, educated, even passionate discussion. However, I find it disturbing when people feel they know God's mind on topics like this as if it all aspects of the subject were sewn up in a nice little easy-to-digest package. Consequently, discussion usually holds little promise for a satisfactory conclusion. It doesn't matter which "side" people are on; most seem to feel they hold the moral high ground and are on their guard lest they be 'influenced.'

The LDS church (my church) seems to have softened somewhat on perceptions and treatment of the LGBTQ population; previously black/white attitudes led to the belief that simply having feelings or same-sex attraction was in itself a sin, and worthy of condemnation. I feel that this view was based on unproven, unexplored assumptions that shut the door on a lot of people through the years. We have a shameful history of treating people with same-sex attraction as if they were "broken" entirely, and some of the "aversion" therapy that has been perpetrated on "patients" in the past has been simply barbaric. In recent years, I have observed that LDS church leadership seems to acknowledge that same-gender-attracted people have not sprouted horns; rather that they are God's children who are in a predicament if they want to comply with established doctrines on sexual behavior.

However, love and compassion for my LGBTQ brothers and sisters is one thing; actively endorsing the disobedience of ancient and modern-day commandments regarding sexual behavior is another. I've settled on my position after much soul-searching and prayer (so it's MY answer, not necessarily anyone else's). As far as my voting and advocating efforts are concerned, I cannot support same-gender marriage because it is an implied endorsement of same-gender sexual relations. Period. It's in the religious and social contract of marriage. That being said, I have to acknowledge that I live in a world where same-gendered attraction, sexual relations, marriages and domestic partnerships exist, and wishing and hoping everybody believes the same way I do won't solve any problems or alleviate any suffering. I think that gay couples who have chosen a domestic partnership should have similar financial benefits as married couples, such as retirement and insurance beneficiary status. That's just money and security, that makes sense when people have pooled their resources and live in the same household and have invested years into each other. Additionally, many same-gendered couples would be MUCH better parents than some of the foster homes I've encountered; there are entirely too many "hard to adopt" kids in the foster system that could use a clean, calm, stable household for us to be real picky on the matter.

If asked my opinion, I would say to ANY unmarried person of either (or any) gender, i.e. "You don't always have to act on your sexual feelings; school your thoughts, carry your cross, don't cave to the natural man. Sexuality is not the end-all be-all of this existence." But, easy for me to say. Any comparison of the situation of an LGBTQ person to a unmarried heterosexual person ultimately fails; unlike unmarried faithful sisters (for example) who have been given promises and assurances of an enduring relationship and motherhood in the next life, according to LDS doctrine the LGBTQ faithful member has no hope of acting on their sexual or intimacy preferences in this life or the next, and so must hope for some sort of miraculous relief in the great hereafter. Surely this warrants our prayers, compassion and support, rather than our condemnation.

I'm back?

2012-01-08T20:55:00.000-07:00

SO, I do like to write and have lots of ideas, then life gets in the way, y'know? So what's the secret to consistent writing production ? Quit your job? Or slack off at work to write on your blog? Stay up late? Ignore your kids? Type faster? Hire a stenographer? I'd appreciate your suggestions.

One of the reasons I need to start writing more is that I want to start writing a little column in a local paper about marriage, family and general mental health topics. At Valley Mental Health we have a couple of satellite offices in small towns around Park City, and the general "small town" mentality is that you have to be "crazy" to get any kind of counseling services; "strong" people just "pull themselves up by their bootstraps." And in a Mormon community this is complicated further by those who believe that you can pray your way out of any problem, your bishop is the only counselor you need, or that your problems are your own fault; if you just kept the commandments better you'd stop having problems. SO, I'd like to try to help get the message out that mental health issues happen, just like diabetes and cancer; sometimes because of behavior, but also due to biological and hereditary factors. AND that certain techniques that one probably wouldn't come up with on his or her own have been shown to help, as well as short or long-term medication if indicated. Not to mention that there are A LOT of just BAD relationship habits that could be adjusted fairly easily with just a few individualized sessions.

Anyway, off the soap box. You should know, dear reader, that a symptom of being me is that I tend to conduct lengthy arguments in my brain on a regular basis in idle moments; judging the merits of arguments for and against what ever topic comes to mind. It's entertaining and annoying. The good side of it is that it leads me to ideas fairly regularly that make me think "That might be a good blog entry." So once I figure out where to insert writing into my daily schedule, I have plenty of material. Stay tuned...

The Professional Conference Blahs...

2010-09-17T15:43:00.000-06:00

I'm at a professional conference today; it's a three day conference on the topic of domestic violence. I've been looking forward to it, because it's three days that I don't have to be "up" and at my best for those who come see me, and I don't get any further behind in my paperwork. It also feels good to get back into the "theory" part of my job and do some thinking about why and how I do what I do, after months of using theories and techniques that happen to be on the tip of my tongue. It's a great way to make things fresh, and it's also required to keep up my license and domestic violence certification. So with this in mind I came to my first day of the conference bushy-tailed and ready to learn. Yay! I'm out of my office! Yay! I haven't seen Bob for a year! Hey! What a great idea!

This lasted, unfortunately, for all of about three hours, before the lethargy of sun deprivation and sitting on my tuccus set in. The poor presenters, bless their hearts, may have the latest in research and an effervescent personality going for them, but they're no match for the onset of the conference blahs. And for better or for worse, most of them have provided their PowerPoint notes so there's little motivation to take notes.

So what does one do? Let's see... We have to balance the need to fend off boredom without looking TOO unprofessional or disrupting the conference enjoyment of my peers. So that rules out pacing, listening to music, playing a video game on my iPod, reading a good book, humming to myself, cleaning out my ears really well, or lying down on the chairs for a nap. Here's what I came up with over the last 36 hours:

1) Check e-mail for the 16th time in the last 1/2 hour.
2) Stare intently at the carpet pattern until images emerge.
3) Check FaceBook, but BRIEFLY, because everyone for three rows behind you will instantly recognize the Facebook page with potential inward frowning.
4) Find Onion News Network videos (mute volume, quick!) for use in my Anthropology class.
5) While crossing leg, check bottom of pantleg for loose threads.
6) People watch. Imagine what their thoughts are. Create a funny story based on your ideas.
7) Look meaningfully at co-workers when other conference participants draw. out. their. tangential. comments. for. ever!
8) Play a game on my iPod anyway cause I just can't stand it anymore.
9) Wake up briefly and take a note so you can talk intelligently about the session with co-workers in the hall.
10) Write a blog entry!

Going through the "Change"

2009-12-12T07:55:00.005-07:00

There is some debate in the medical community over the concept of "Andropause;" the idea that the male of the species also goes through a type of "Change" in midlife, similar to the female's menopause. For the ladies, this phase marks the end of the "curse" but the beginning of hot flashes, mood swings, and other happy signs of entering a new stage of life. For the male, apparently testosterone levels begin to decline which leads to lower energy levels, lower libido, depression, etc.

I'm not admitting anything, per se, but I swear there is other stuff that comes with the "change." Some of my own observations in, um, males I've seen or heard about:

*Hair. New hair. Longer hair. Different hair. Gray hairs I can live with (it makes us males seem wise and distinguished, sorry ladies), but what in the life cycle or evolutionary process explains the need for additional back, ear, nose hair? Why do arm hairs spontaneously thicken and lengthen in a non-uniform manner? Is the body anticipating less activity and thus the need for additional insulation from the cold? Does the autoimmune system start breaking down, necessitating additional filtering in the nasal passage and ear canal? Or maybe it's a development related to the female, since the invention of marriage. It's possible that over the years the human body has learned that as retirement looms, more time will be spent with the mate and new interactive hobbies such as grooming and plucking are necessary to fill the extra time. It's a promising theory.

*Moles and other assorted spots and/or discolorations. Single, isolated big pores. The need for doctors to "monitor" certain growths. Basically skin issues. I'm assuming that some of this has to do with the body beginning to fail in its ability to monitor, repair, dispose of, and replace the millions of little cell mutations that occur in the face of the harsh conditions of life. But again, perhaps the larger purpose is to give wives another bonding activity during those difficult middle years, i.e., "Oo! Look at that? Is it a blackhead, or what? Let me try to get something out of it!" It's annoying. (or must be, for those going through it)

*Hearing problems. This one I'll own. I was never a rocker. I didn't frequent the discotheque. I was too poor to buy a fancy stereo with big speakers or headphones. I've never had a bass "thumper" in my car. So why do I have such a problem hearing anything you're saying if there's any background noise at all? This may become a bigger problem down the road, considering I Listen to people for a living... Right now it's only a problem if they're soft talkers and a co-worker decides to turn on the heat or air conditioning. Clients wonder what my body language is saying as I lean closer and closer trying to capture what they're expressing. You can only use the old stand-by's "Say more about that" and "uh-huh" so many times before they figure out you have no idea what they're talking about...

*Memory Loss. Why can't I remember anyone's name longer than the 1.2 seconds it takes it to pass through my ears, into my brain, and then out into the stratosphere? Oh, whups, maybe that's not an Andropause thing--I think I've always been like that. Mom & Dad say it's a family trait, and it can create embarrassing moments when people associate it with "not paying attention" or "not caring about them." How many times on my mission or while home teaching did I have to pause in a prayer with a family, stuttering through something like, "Lord, please bless...this family, and especially.......the youngest one...and...uh...his mom..." Not to mention all the reunions I've been to for the last few years-- "Hey...you!!!" Luckily most of the time people have name tags on for those things--would it be too much to ask for everyone in my life to remember to wear a name tag when they're around me? We'll start with church associates and clients and as the years go on, add inner circle people like family members. Definitely grandkids.

Hey wait--maybe it's not so bad. I can start blaming stuff on the Andropause now! "Oh sorry, it's the Andropause talking," or "Darn that diminished testosterone!" I've always made allowances for older folks and their lessening capacities and odd appearances, smells, etc., so when can I start tapping into that compassion?

My Scooter is a Metaphor

2009-09-11T14:59:00.011-06:00

Earlier this year we developed a problem when our oldest finally got his driver's license. We only have two cars and now we have three drivers, all going in different directions... We got some stimulus money and looked around for a used car, but got cold feet when we saw our choices for the money we wanted to spend. A few months went by while we postponed putting money into a potential money trap. So one day Julie comes home and says "hey somebody's selling scooters out there on main street! Maybe that could be our third vehicle." Rarely has anyone uttered such sweet sounds in such a short sentence.

You see, I've had a secret longing for a scooter for many years. My freshman year at BYU a roommate had one that he let me take occasionally for little jaunts, and I was hooked. They're faster than walking, it's easy to find parking, they get like 80 mpg, it takes almost no skill beyond riding a bike, repairs are cheap...what's not to like? Then life hit--the mission, no money, marriage, no money, along come the kids, no money, more schooling--no money, etc., etc. 20 years slip by. And then my beautiful, intelligent wife points out that, really, its just the smart thing to do to buy one. I couldn't have agreed more.

So now I have a scooter, and I look for reasons to buzz around on it. "Buzz" is the sound it makes when I drive it. In fact, I may just name it Buzz. Any errand that can be done in town should be done on the scooter. Sometimes it just needs a little exercise--you know--work out the bugs, check the idle rate, use up the stale gas, and so I take it out for some air. You want pizza for dinner? Ok, I'd better go get it on my scooter. Hey is that library book due? I'd better return it real quick on my scooter. Out of milk? I'll just buzz over to the store. On my scooter.

It's really all about saving gas money, though. AND using less gas is good for the environment. And my son really needs to get that taste of independence that driving a car brings-it's crucial for his development. That's the kind of guy I am.

I have driven it up to work in Park City on several occasions now, and while initially it was scary to be driving between 40 and 60 mph in a 70 mph zone (there are hills), it's getting easier. The first time I took the trip I was wearing a "half-helmet" that only covers your scalp, and I thought I was going to go deaf from the wind--not to mention the bugs and bits of hay, etc. coming off of trucks. By the time I got to work I felt like I'd had some serious microderm abrasion. I also felt at first that I needed to drive off to the side of the road so as to be nice to the cars that wanted to go faster, but there tends to be a build-up of junk on the sides of highways, i.e. shredded truck tires, bits of car trim & hubcaps, roadkill of various sizes, species, smells and rates of decay, etc. These all have to be dodged, and frankly I don't want to dodge anything going 40-60 mph.

I have overcome the obstacles one by one. I got me a sweet helmet (color matches the scooter) with a face shield, which blocks the airborne meteorites and cuts down the wind noise. I "manned up" and stopped riding on the roadside. It helped when I read it was illegal to do so... Also, one day I noticed the sign that said "slower vehicles use flashers," and I thought--"hey--I'm just a slower vehicle... Those guys can just go around me!" And so I buzz my way to work a few times a week now, with my flashers prominently declaring me a "slower vehicle" with full rights to a lane.

Now that I'm to the point that I don't have to tell my legs to unclench after the big trucks roar past, I have begun to wax philosophical about my scooter experience. I look around at the actual MOTORCYCLES zooming past me, and wonder if they look down on me. I know that some of the drivers around me on the highway must be annoyed to have to change lanes and pass me. My own son is embarrassed to be picked up from football practice by me and the scooter (I try to help Buzz understand that it's just a teen phase, and not to take it personally). But I think to myself: I and my scooter are similar in many ways. I, too, cannot run as fast or lift as much as others around me. People much smarter and quicker than I must get frustrated with me at times (with apologies to my wife). But there is so much that my scooter can do that the bigger, faster, more sophisticated vehicles cannot. Can your Porsche fill its tank for $3.50? Can your Mack Truck make a u-turn at an intersection? Can your 4X4 get between two parked cars to avoid the traffic jam in the parking lot? I didn't think so.

Just in Time for Father's Day

2009-05-16T11:07:00.008-06:00

Happy upcoming Father's Day to all you Dads. I am the father of five kids ages 16-3. I'm also a family therapist, meaning technically I'm qualified to teach people to be good parents. Well, something that's been on my mind a lot lately is my lack of ability to apply my parenting education to my actual parenting. It's almost a proverb that therapists have a hard time applying what they teach in their own families. I think it's mainly because family therapy is a very ACTIVE process if it's done right. You can't just read about it--you've got to read, think, try new things, make mistakes, go back for more help, think some more, try something new, make fewer mistakes, etc., etc. A second reason is that when you're under stress, your cerebral cortex--the part that says "hold everything--let's use reason & logic in our decision making--starts to shut down as we go into "fight or flight". Then we just do whatever will make the problem go away the soonest. A third reason--in a pinch, we just do what our parents did, for better or for worse. The earliest patterns we see are the most firmly embedded.

Case in point. Yesterday my daughter Brynna was in a dance recital/show/ extravaganza. I was at a conference when Julie was getting her ready and apparently she (Brynna) had been an emotional roller coaster in the process. When her performance was over (very cute, by the way), Julie and I were supposed to go get her and sit with her in the audience for the rest of the show. Well, Brynna was fine for awhile, then she and Callen started getting up, walking around, dancing in the aisle, etc. All of this was sort of disconcerting mainly because I was afraid she would disturb some of the other parents/audience members, but it was sort of ok because the auditorium was dark and the music was loud, etc. She required a few corrections to keep her from standing/climbing the seats or singing out loud, etc. Finally she said she wanted a drink, and Julie gave her a water bottle which she rejected, preferring to go out to the water fountain. I interpreted this as "No, what I really want to get out of here because I'm bored." (I recognized it from church)

Well, my instinct combined with training says to me, "In my role as parent, I must teach my child delayed gratification; it's also inappropriate to leave in the middle of a dance number." So I insisted that if she REALLY wanted a drink that she should go ahead and drink from the bottle. So, since I'm the mean parent that rarely gives her what she wants right when she wants it, she went to Julie. Julie had had a long day already with Brynna, so she was less than responsive also. This produced a loud fussy sound from Brynna, which set off all of my "avoid public embarassment" alarms. I hauled her out of the auditorium, which produced even more shrill keening from my darling daughter on our way out, exacerbating the attention-drawing, disruptive situation and sending me into a "you will pay for this embarrassment" mode. I marched her out to the car and headed home, listening to her plaintive cries-"please, I'll stop crying!" and lecturing "Brynna, you had your chance and several warnings; now we're going home," Thinking-now I'm committed, I must follow through to demonstrate consistency."

I took her home, gave her a bath (dancers wear lots of makeup and hairspray for performances) and she fell asleep as I was combing out her hair, giving me time to calm down and reflect. What was my decision-making tree in this situation? I concluded that there was very little cognitive decision-making. I was embarrassed and I punished my daughter by taking her away from an activity which she found entertaining and enriching. Of course there were all the little justification side-thoughts such as "must not reward poor behavior" and "This will allow Julie to stay and watch Sam perform uninterrupted" and "Brynna may finally learn that I mean business when I say no, or ask her to stop a behavior." But ultimately I was not using the big, rational, pre-frontal cortex that gives humans their big flat foreheads, I was thinking with my teeny little almond-shaped amygdala-you know, the "avoid pain, seek pleasure, bonk it with a club" part. Luckily Brynna usually loves me again in the morning. Plus, she has another performance this afternoon she can enjoy. But these kind of incidents can build up over time and I end up having my kids mostly see me as the knuckle-dragging ogre.

The really hard part of all this is that, as a therapist, I will ANALYZE these incidents over and over; reflecting on my character, the long term trends in my parenting practices, the cumulative effects of my parenting gaffes on my kids, how my example will effect their own parenting practices in the future, etc., etc. This analysis, rather than motivating me to better a better parent, usually just depresses me. Then, rather than step up and engage in a better, more enlighted manner, I lose confidence and do less parenting. Then guess who has to pick up the bulk of the parenting? (Yay for two-parent households)

I'd love to hear from anyone who can relate to this situation. Maybe we can start a parents anonymous group and motivate each other to actually use the good parenting skills we're taught, and report back to each other about our successes and failures. Maybe we can actually get some kudos for doing it right now and then. The kids usually aren't going to give us any useful feedback-they don't like the good parenting all that much either because it involves setting limits, too. They'll hold off until they're older and have their own kids or during the therapy sessions they're in to deal with our parenting...

In Support of Long Underwear

2009-04-01T16:02:00.005-06:00

I wear long underwear. Specifically they're called garments and they have special meaning in the LDS church, but I'm not going to be talking about the spiritual significance of the garments, I'll just be talking about the kind of garment I wear, which for the purposes of this blog are just long underwear. For you visual types, imagine an old time swimsuit (short sleeves and legs about to the knees), but without the stripes. And no zippers.

Recently I replaced most of my underwear, and in the process took a lot of flack (the generic verbal type) from my wife and mother about the fact that I choose to buy and wear the one-piece variety rather than the bottom & top sets that most people seem to prefer. I will admit that it is certainly not the norm in the age of speedos, thongs, tighty whiteys, etc., and I certainly didn't always prefer this variety (with apologies to my sister for running around in my fruit of the looms at home, well into my teens). Initially I bought one pair just for the novelty of it, but over time the benefits have become obvious.

Consider the following:

1) One-piece underwear does not become separated in the wash. I never come up one top or bottom short when folding my laundry.

2) I never "accidentally" put on my wife's underwear because the rolled up sets look the same when putting the laundry away. I don't put on my wife's underwear "on purpose," either, but I have made mistakes getting dressed in the dark, and... Well, never mind.

3) You know that little bulge ("bicycle tire")that many of us have developed around the waistline? Yes, I still have that, but at least it's not accentuated by an extra layer of tucked-in shirt. So, it's slimming!

3b)In a similar vein, my underwear shirt never becomes untucked, so I never have to worry about it "showing", and I never have to tuck it back in after lifting my arms up over my head.

4) You know the plumber's crack phenomenon? Doesn't happen with long underwear, though I may, on occasion, unintentionally demonstrate my choice in underwear when leaning over or getting out of the car.

5) Many of you germophobes may regularly use the paper seat cover at public restrooms. One-piece underwear comes equipped with an escape hatch for just such occasions, and, when arranged carefully, serves as a portable seat cover. Convenience!

There are a couple of downsides that I should mention in the interest of "equal time":

1) I'm not talking about anyone in particular, but if one should be inclined to be around one's children only dressed in one's underwear, one should be careful about the arrangement of one's "escape hatch." Most younger kids will lose the memories, but the older ones shouldn't have to deal with that...

2) When the underwear gets a few years old it tends to shrink a bit, which can cause some discomfort to males when breathing in deeply, stretching, lying flat, doing jumping jacks, etc. 'nuff said.

3) One must try to keep a "top & bottom" set of underwear to wear to situations like the gym, the doctor's office, the hospital, and other situation where you may be subject to undergarment scrutiny.

I realize I'm a bit of an artifact, and I'm probably not going to convert anyone. It's ok, I am unafraid of being outside the norm. If I can keep even one person from showing me their belly when they're putting a box up on a shelf, it will have been worth it.

The Music Post

2009-02-07T11:40:00.005-07:00

We were scheduled to clean the chapel this morning so I thought I'd take the iPod and entertain myself as I scrubbed the water fountains. At one point as I was scrubbing to the guitar solo in Freebird by Lynyrd Skynard, it occurred to me that at one point in my life, I probably would have considered it "hard rock" and therefore "scary" or "extreme" or possibly even "leading down the road to sin." Now I am developing an appreciation for music that I associated with scary people. Another 70's heavy metal piece that has been come one of my favorites is "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult (with an umlat over the O, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavy_metal_umlaut) So what does that mean? Am I scary to young, righteous people now?

When I was a pre- to post-teen, I remember seeing "Lynard Skynard" and "Def Leppard", etc. on certain kids' t-shirts (usually black with the short sleeves cut off). I can only assume that I made a connection between those kind of kids and their behavior to the groups and the music, and then eschewed it all as satanistic corrupting temptation. Ok, I suppose that most metal bands were and are drug-using, counterculture, rebellious types themselves. So if those that liked their music were behaving poorly and those that played the music were behaving poorly, then listening to and enjoying the music would make me behave poorly, right? In math terms, I think that's the commutative property, or something.

However, the older I get and the more experiences I have, the more I see that things and people aren't nearly as linear (or math-like) as I would have thought. People aren't just the sum total of their behaviors, and most have redeeming qualities and talents despite their less-than-stellar personal habits or vices. Otherwise, none of us would be accomplishing much good. Take "Freebird" for example. When you listen to the lyrics (which really don't amount to more than two or three ideas, really), it's mainly a plaintive cry about the singer's inability to commit to a relationship-he thinks he can't change, which, of course, is untrue. Aside from that sad, misdirected sentiment, the song showcases a fantastic demonstration of inherent talent and the result of long hours of guitar practice. (There's another contrasting idea--where did those undisciplined rock music types get the discipline to PRACTICE for hours and hours on end?)

This doesn't mean that I've become a metalhead--I still don't find many redeeming qualities in the music of groups of my youth like AC/DC or Black Sabbath, essentially because those kinds of artists tended to saturate every aspect of their music with the same ugly thoughts and habits that disturbed their own lives. I just think I've begun to appreciate the artistry in the product of some music groups without the filter of my adolescent preconceptions. The beauty is that I get to discover new music from across the decades, not just what is getting out there on the radio or VH1.

Which brings me to another point--Julie likes to mock me for my music sophistication or lack thereof; specifically that I don't stay "current" in my knowledge and appreciation of pop music. I prefer to think that I am selective in my music in both a broad (many styles) and deep (different eras) way. If you looked at my iPod selections I think you'll find I enjoy modern styles (for ex. I really like Paramore from the "Twilight" album) as well as oldies and goodies from the 70's & 80's (Kansas, Queen, Boston). In fact, if you're reading this on my blog, you're getting a sampling of my taste in music. Julie's right in that I don't share all of her tastes (I think much of her music is kind of whiney); I just like what I like, and I like a lot of really different music! So there! This could actually be the topic of another blog; how it's healthy for couples to develop different tastes in music, food, etc...

Back to working for the Man

2009-01-20T19:43:00.013-07:00

A few days after I wrote my last entry, I spotted a newspaper ad for a bilingual therapist position in Park City at Valley Mental Health. I had heard good things about VMH by one of the therapists at Sandy Counseling, and so I went ahead and put my application in that night online. I got a call two days later and went in for an interview, and short story short, I'm starting on February 2!

So is this a good move? I guess we'll see. I probably won't be working with as many couples and families as I do now. I'll have a boss. I can't go do whatever I want when I don't have a client. But! I'm cautiously optimistic. There are a lot of good aspects to the job: Spanish-speaking clients, whom I've always thought I was supposed to be helping but didn't know how to make it pay; close to home (15-20 minutes depending on the weather); casual dress; relaxed, youngish colleagues; good benefits (even a pension plan!); and an online, streamlined paperwork process. There's even a psychiatrist and nurse practitioner on site in case I want to get someone some pharmacological help to go with the talk therapy.

And $$? Julie sent me to the interview with a dollar amount that would make sense for us, and I put it out there during the interview (Hard for me!! Hate to negotiate! Not confident about self-worth!) and hey-they're going to give it to me! Turns out that their "salary formula" just happened to work out for us. Don't get me wrong--it's not going to get us rich-it's not what people told me I'd end up making in private practice. BUT it's a regular paycheck-yay!. I hated filling out complicated insurance or medicaid-inspired paperwork knowing I wasn't getting paid for the time. And I hated not knowing when insurance companies were going to get around to paying me. I'm just basically tired of worrying about money all the time. Hate to use the cliche, but "in this economy," I should be happy to have a job, period, right?

I'm keeping the teaching job for this semester, and I'll keep the private practice office in town for the occasional after-hours client. And Julie'll be keeping her job at least long enough to pay off all of our wonderful subsidizers/investors(thanks again!!!). Or whatever. She'll do what she wants.

In the meantime, the consequences of leaving one job for another is that all my procrastinated paperwork comes due in the next two weeks. Ugh. For the new job, I'm going to be working closely with Julie to keep up a system/mind frame that keeps me up to date on paperwork without having to stay at work all night. I'm told that the computerized paperwork system at the new job minimizes the procrastination thing because they have strict deadlines. They have to, because lots of different people/caregivers in the system need to get information on clients I'll be working with. Hopefully, they've streamlined the paperwork A LOT for us poor people-oriented people. They wouldn't want to burn out their therapists, right? Gosh, I hope they're not used to working with type A personality, superorganized, overachieving paper-pushing therapists. Freaks.

My career hats

2009-01-02T20:06:00.006-07:00

It was brought to my attention at the Sorensen Christmas get-together that I haven't written about some important developments in my career. I guess I'm too busy gracing you all with my weighty ponderings to simply report the news. So, yes, for your reading pleasure, it's... Pablo Career News and accompanying commentary, by Pablo.

I had started thinking in November or December 2007 that I was getting tired of various aspects of "institutionalized counseling" that took place at the residential treatment school I was working at. Institutionalized thinking, ugh. "Let's be consistent!" "Let's preserve the organizational integrity!" "Let's look at how it's going to affect everyone involved." "Let's all do our paperwork on time!" To be fair, I don't really think I was/am a good fit for certain client types that show up in the residential care situation; I don't lean on the pushy, manipulative parents like I should in order to get long-term family changes made in the residential school setup. If people stiff-arm me (emotionally, anyway; it's never happened physically), I tend to just want to cut them off (read: avoid them) rather than push back or challenge. If it happens in my therapy room I feel like I have more power to deal with it, but when I'm working with highly successful ($$), power-heavy parents from a thousand miles away, my influence is less, shall we say, influential. Others do it very nicely, however. But I digress.

So, in May I let my boss know that I was looking into setting up a private practice in Heber, and was there any way we could arrange a slow backing out of Oakley so I could do it without killing myself financially? The answer was...sort of. He came back a few weeks later with a very fair but very different proposal; "We will treat you as if we were laying you off (because they really did need to lay someone off, anyway, because of the economy) so you will cease being a full-time employee at the end of June, then we'll pay you two month's salary as severence pay including benefits, keep coming in three times a week for a couple of months and see most of your remaining clients out the door, do some groups, etc. and we'll pay you contract $$ while you work the other days on your practice."

It worked out nicely really, except that it takes a lot of time, money, and patience to get a business off the ground, and I could have used a few more months' transition time. I met with a psychologist in Heber about collaborating; i.e. him tossing me some excess clients now and then. He seemed amenable, and I ended up getting into a very small office nearby--there was a social worker who had a big suite office next to the psychologist's that included a...large closet? Storeroom? Overflow? In any case, I put a small corner desk, a loveseat, and a chair in there that, when occupied by fewer than three people, only violates a person's sense of personal space a little bit. I borrowed some money from mommy to get a laptop (on which I'm writing this blog--thanks mom!), some supplies, office decor, etc., and off we go to the races!

Well, not really. Turns out that people aren't telepathically finding out about my wonderfulness and flocking to the healing waters. My backup plan kicked in in July; I went to work as an independent associate with Sandy Counseling, with whom I had turned down a job offer in 2007 because they didn't pay nearly as much as Oakley. It's basically a group practice that has contracts with city courts to do domestic violence counseling (groups, mainly) The clinical director is also an MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) and speaks Spanish, so I was in like Flynn. I set up a schedule that allowed me to work on my own practice in Heber two days a week, and drove the 45 minutes down to Sandy for two long days and one short one (Friday). Now we have a recipe for success, right?

Wrong-come August, still practically nothing happening in the Heber office. Meanwhile, Julie, tired of the schedule of her 3 paper routes and the damage it was doing to the car, took a job at my old workplace as a night monitor--checking up on the little buggers as they sleep--four times a week. Yeah, it's all night long, but at least (she says) she can sleep like a normal person three nights a week as opposed to waking up at 3am every single night to toss papers with no breaks ever. She was given a four night schedule, which constituted a full time job with benefits! So her job now provides the family health insurance. It's a blessing/sacrifice that was unexpected and anxiety provoking. Now my wife is driving 30 miles up into the mountains in the late night and early morning, sacrificing sleep and endangering life & limb in the snow-packed winters because I can't make enough scratch for her to stay home with the munchkins. Ugh. But I digress again.

One Sunday in mid-August a guy in my ward approached me about the possibility of me teaching a class at the local campus of Utah Valley University. At first I'm like, uh-I'm not a teacher, dude. But, it turns out that colleges often hire "adjunct faculty," professionals that possess a master's degree in the discipline of a particular class (in my case, "behavioral science"), to teach intro-level courses. We're cheaper than their PhD level professors and it frees them up to do more prestige-enhancing activities like research and publishing. After consulting with my brain (Julie), I thought, why not? I've got a bunch of dead time in Heber twice a week-at least I'll still be close to the office if people start coming in, right? SO, I became a college "professor" (I prefer "Professor Pablo"), teaching Anthropology 101, which surprisingly has a lot in common with my chosen profession, so I didn't feel nearly as dumb as I thought I might. I just had to bone up on the raw material, keeping just a few hours of reading ahead of my students, and then lead discussion. (and give quizzes and assign papers-MWAHAHAHA) It was more like teaching them how to use their brains with the text as raw material. LOVED IT! Not to say it wasn't a bit frustrating trying to lead discussion with a group of people who for the most part didn't care to- or have enough time to- read all of their textbook assignment. I discovered that I was just really jazzed about getting my own brain moving again; being responsible for pulling in new information and processing it without being responsible for essays or quizzes was a rush! So next semester I'm teaching TWO classes: group therapy (400 level class-since it's my specialty) and intro to sociology.

There's some degree of guilty with the pleasure of the new UVU gig: it doesn't pay nearly as much per hour as I would get having therapy sessions, so it's not the best use of my time-technically I could just increase my Sandy Counseling schedule. And that puts off the day that Julie can quit her job. My only hope of continuing this very satisfying endeavor is if I can convince someone down on the Orem campus to hire me on as a part-time therapist with hours on the Wasatch (Heber) campus, which ultimately may lead to a full-time job with UVU doing mental health stuff while teaching a few classes as part of the job. I could then develop my Heber office private practice (after hours) with the background security of a steady salary & benefits. Long-term, if the Heber office gets busy enough, I would then have the option of developing that into the full-time job, but with much more security and momentum.

As you can see, it's been a real schizophrenic time. I've had to do a lot of soul-searching as to what "flavor" of my profession I'm going to do long-term. I have to find the work and the setting that I'm going to enjoy enough to put energy and love into. Without these ingredients, I can see from experience that I just tend to flame out on jobs and get stuck/frustrated/depressed. The other side of me just says, "suck it up-how many people in this world throughout history have just done their job day-in, day-out for the sake of the fam and the mortgage." People tell me that if you love your work, you can make it pay, and I'm trying desperately to make that happen. However, in the real world there seems to be a time bomb connected to the dream; do it quickly or everyone starves...

Christianity and Homosexuality: A Personal Journey

2008-11-28T18:29:00.010-07:00

Here's another uncomfortable but timely topic: homosexuality. Prop 8 in California has brought the issue up on people's radar on a higher level than I've ever seen, and the results are what would be expected, in and out of the church. Much like the abortion and stem cell research issues in previous years, the discussion has generally followed a pattern. If you imagine plotting people's attitudes about homosexuality on a long black line, you have your extremes on each end--from "Whatever anybody wants to do is OK and their right to do so must be protected" to "Kill the Fags" on the other. Look to the right and left of the extremes and you find the intellectuals who look down their noses at anyone who sees anything from a religious perspective and the "black and white" thinkers who condemn the "sodomites" automatically to hell or the lowest kingdom of glory (with frequent scriptural quotation). As we work our way in towards the middle we see the more moderate individuals who find themselves on one side or the other based on a)the amount of time they've put into thinking about it, b)the amount of time they've spent praying about it, c)the number and quality of people they know or have known who are gay, and/or d)how much the issue has or is actually affecting their personal lives.

Over the course of my middle-aged life, I have been through an evolutionary process of sorts on the topic. I remember finding out at some point in my teens that Lincoln, NE (where I ran around as a teen) has a comparatively high number of homosexual residents compared to similar-sized cities in the country. Common teenage male topics included, "what would YOU do if you were approached/propositioned?" and the answer often included some violent content. Not much thought involved, just a preconditioned response: homosexuality=yuck=punch somebody. Not that it ever even came up aside from the talk; I didn't walk the streets of Lincoln looking for fights, or gays, or anything else for that matter.

I don't even think I knew a homosexual person, or anyone that admitted to such feelings anyway, until my mission. My first Argentine ("native") companion trusted me enough after we'd been companions for 3 weeks or so that he'd been sexually abused as a child and had experimented sexually with other boys as a younger teen. It didn't shake me up too much at the time, largely because I think that I was very close to the spirit under the circumstances and was guided in my thoughts and reactions. I remember mostly thinking, "Hey I'm not as freaked as I thought I'd be. I like and respect Elder X no matter what he's done in the past. What's for dinner?"

A few years later the movie Philadelphia came out and though the subject matter initially kept me from seeing it at the theater, I caught it on video because I enjoyed Tom Hanks as an actor (not to mention Denzel Washington). I think this movie was the real catalyst for me in moving out of the "ewww" mode and into a a more realistic, Christian (by my estimation) viewpoint. Without giving away the plot overmuch, it just finally occurred to me while watching this movie that a homosexual man could actually have a loving, mutually respectful, monogamous relationship with another man; that it wasn't necessarily this perverted lustfest all the time, like it had been portrayed to me in the past. Now, the movie also didn't particularly glamorize or idealize the homosexual lifestyle. The protagonist didn't get HIV from his longtime partner; he got it while being unfaithful; in other words, promiscuity and infidelity got him sick, not being homosexual. Let's be truthful; not everyone who breaks God's commandments by engaging in homosexual relations is going to get AIDS, and not everyone who is monogamous in a heterosexual covenant marriage is going to stay disease-free, so there's little point in linking AIDS and homosexuality in any discussion of the topic. However, being promiscuous either with men or women is VERY likely to produce ugly consequences at some point. Philadelphia helped me understand this.

A few years later I went to UNL for grad school, and while I was there, Nebraska's version of Prop 8 came up for a vote. The church encouraged us to volunteer in efforts to get signatures on the petition to put it on the ballot. This was a crucial time for me, because the process of becoming a therapist involves examining and reexamining your own thoughts, beliefs and history so that you can put yourself in others' shoes in the therapeutic process without losing yourself. It's hard. This is no place for someone who is resting his testimony on Mom or Dad or their favorite seminary teacher. I had to do a lot of thinking while I went from house to house getting responses from "Sure I'll sign it! I hate them bleepin' bleepers" to "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you bleepin' homophobe!" Youch. I have to say that a big part of me walked away from that experience thinking, How is allowing homosexuals to make a committed relationship to one another going to effect me or my community in a negative way? It ultimately came down to a faith decision; either Gordon B. Hinkley is a prophet of God, directing me according to God's will, or not. I didn't need all the answers right then. The balance between my compassion and my faith seemed to work out at the time.

Fast forward a few years to my job at the Oakley School. In my 2nd year there, one of my clients was an openly gay young man who had been promiscuous in the past but was seeing that behavior as evidence of his depression and other psychological precursers. We focused on the behavior and the depressive thoughts, not the sexual preference. We got to be good friends that year, but always with the professional boundaries that keep the therapist from influencing the client in religious matters. However, when he asked if I would be the sponsor of a Gay-Straight Alliance club he wanted to start up on campus, my thoughts and beliefs on homosexuality had to come out of the closet, as it were. I explained that I would not be able to support the club if it was going to stand for promoting or supporting gay sexuality. However, if he understood that I fully supported gays and straights being kind and tolerant of one another in accordance with my ideas of Christ's teachings of charity and love, even and especially for the sinner, seeking to understand each other's ideas, attitudes and experiences--that I could support. He agreed, and ultimately I experienced some of the best discussions I've ever had, and was witness to some of the most ridiculous black and white thinking from staff and parents I've ever seen. When kept within certain limits of developmental propriety, the teenagers I worked with were capable of great curiosity, trust, vulnerability and compassion. That became my benchmark for future discussions on the issue of homosexuality, and I was once again satisfied with the balance I had achieved between acceptance of people while not supporting sinful behavior.

In August I started teaching at the Heber campus of Utah State University, and while teaching the students of my Anthropology class about sex and gender issues across cultures, I was struck again at how complex the issue of gender attraction can be. Consider the following:

1) Young humans develop differently, leading to some natural physical tendencies that are considered either "feminine" or "masculine" by present society. These physical features and mannerisms are and have been interpreted differently by different cultures over time. If your features and mannerisms don't fit for your society's standards for your gender, people will probably respond negatively(i.e., "effeminate" boys and "butch" girls). Some cultures have revered those who "gender bend," others (like ours) have ridiculed and tormented them. The real kicker in all this is that mannerisms and physical features, in and of themselves, have little to do with one's sexual preferences. However, if you're told from an early age that what and how you are is wrong from day one, you're going to be very confused and crave any kind of acceptance you can find as you grow older. Consequently kids can get "lumped in" by those around them or adopted into a subculture with those who have a more established homosexual attraction.

2) An estimated 10-30% of all adults have been sexually molested at some point in their life. Most do not re-offend as adults, but all are scarred by the ordeal(s). Many of the young women I've treated who were abused at a young age by men begin to interpret that experience to mean that their purpose in life is to please men and thereby gain their self-esteem. I don't see any reason, other than political correctness, to disbelieve that men (who tend not to speak up as much about how they've been molested as children by men) wouldn't also be shaped to believe they are filling their calling by pleasing men sexually, regardless of their own essential preferences.

3) While I don't buy every conclusion that came from the research of Alfred Kinsey (and neither should you), one concept seems to make a lot of sense, described in what is appropriately dubbed the Kinsey Scale. He describes it thusly:

Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy (scientific classification) that nature rarely deals with discrete categories... The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. (Kinsey, et al. (1948). pp. 639, 656)

In other words, people's sexual attraction depends on a broad range of factors, and to assume that all of us are always either 100% attracted to women or 100% attracted to men seems very illogical. Now from reading the Proclamation on the Family, we know that there is no mistake when it comes to gender; that's a different discussion. But there are SO MANY people with SO MANY social and biological factors that make up the MYRIAD of personal characteristics, I have to conclude that we can and do have a variety of shades when it comes to sexual attraction. Nature or nurture? YES. BOTH.

Now all that having been said, the human experience can give us lots of excuses for behavior that is outside of God's Law. Every time a kleptomaniac steals, he/she may be nursing something that hurts inside but that doesn't keep them from the consequences (jail). An alcoholic may have many reasons for supressing their emotions, but they still get the hangover. Christ may have understood and loved the woman being stoned for adultery, but he still said "Go and sin no more." All of us were given our burdens for this earthly experience (and some are more burdensome than others) but we are still expected to keep the commandments once we are made aware of them. As for the "rest of us," we are not made privy to each other's thoughts, experiences, mental health or degree of responsibility for our sins, and therefore we've been commanded to judge righteously if we must judge at all, and feel and show Charity for everyone if we expect to get it at our own judgement.

It's that perspective that finally brought me to my knees to ask specifically about the church's position on Prop 8, because I just wasn't buying the "gay marriage will destroy the institution of marriage" argument, among others. The answer I received quite clearly was that our cultural definition of Marriage implies sexual relations, not just a committed, nurturing relationship of loving partners, or legal entitlements. And THAT sexual aspect is clearly restricted by God to a man and a woman who have been legally and lawfully married. Therefore, if I as an individual and/or we as a society make a law that goes contrary to that higher law (specifically or by implication), we'll be keep ourselves from receiving protection/blessings that we need (collectively and individually). Therefore those of us that know and understand that big picture have to do something that will save our nation from judgment that much longer. The argument of "it's not about you, it's for them," doesn't hold much water when, at the judgement bar you know you stood by and passively allowed your society to condone the breaking of God's laws.

That understanding came in about 1/2 a minute of listening to a feeling/thought of profound authority after years of ambiguity and confusion. I recommend going to the Source for answers that transcend the black/white divisive nature of popular opinion. History shows that He's more than happy to clear things up for everyone who bothers to ask. For some of us less advanced students, though, it takes awhile to work up to the question.

"Do Not Disturb" Our Kids' Future Sex Life!

2008-11-18T09:27:00.010-07:00

Ok so look out. Paul's talking about sex again. As you know, I'm a marriage therapist, and since I went into private practice a few months ago I'm enjoying actually seeing couples again. And my training tells me that if I don't ask about the sex part of their relationship, most of my clients won't bring it up on their own. And considering sex and money are the two issues that most couples fight about, it had better come up sooner than later. Besides, it's kind of fun to watch them squirm...

So after jumping into the fray again, a thought that has been on my mind lately is that Mormon and other similarly chastity-inclined couples tend to get into their marriages with very little information about the more intimate side of the arrangement. Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying couples need to have experience before marriage, or live together (that's being shown to actually increase divorce rates). And I'm not saying they need to get themselves all worked up with videos or magazines to get their education. Despite what we read from mainstream sexologists, porn just leads to immoral thoughts, coveting, unrealistic expectations, and sets up a ridiculous body-image standard. What I'm saying is that we as parents and we as an LDS culture need to promote a better and more accurate image of sex to our kids, from the time they first ask where babies come from to when they're almost-marrieds.

First, the problem. Because we don't want our kids to indulge in sexual fantasy, pornography, masturbation, or sexual behavior before marriage, (and because we're CHICKEN) we either a) don't talk about it--ever. or, b) We talk about it only in a negative sense, i.e. the "natural man" and "temptation", which is only part of the truth, or c) we talk about it in generalities and platitudes that hold it up as something vaguely special that is out there somewhere in the future. However, the actual information is usually so vague that some kids are left unsure as to what is ok to do and what is not, which leads to kids debating the actual meaning of "virgin" and the fabled BYU "Vegas Weekends". The fallback is that we tell the kids to follow the guidance of the Spirit, or "if it feels bad or wrong, don't do it."

The problem is that many, when placed in the affectionate situations that will likely arise at some point (whether it be age 15 or 50) it feels so right that the guidance of the spirit takes a back seat. This then leaves them very confused afterwards about the conflicting emotional consequences; the weight of guilt versus the memories of something that probably felt very good. On the other extreme, we have young people so spooked about the whole thing that when the very short ceremony occurs in which "no no no no no Don't" changes to "Be fruitful and multiply," some very strong physical, emotional and mental barriers have to be deconstructed for a good experience to happen. This is often very difficult if high-level communication skills and empathy don't come into play. And how many of our young ones, or even our more mature population in general, are possessed of high-level communication skills and empathy?

The result? Months or years of misunderstanding, frustration, and emotional pain that could be cleared up with a little advice, except that social taboos prevent the couple from seeking help and advice from parents, friends, married siblings, clergy, therapists, etc, because the "something special" is very wrapped up in the "sacred-ness", personal identity, embarrassment, loyalty, fatalism, martyrdom, disappointment, unfair comparison, or shame, depending on the flavor of the person's pre-marriage issues.

Time to air out the family laundry again... This topic was actually one of the reasons I decided to become a marriage therapist. Julie and I had the benefit of some very excellent professors at BYU, among them Brent Barlow, who suggested a book called "The Act of Marriage," which provided a lot of information in a tasteful way and in an appropriate context. (I don't recommend this book to teach our kids about sex--it's just for almost-marrieds). We also took a class about marriage together to help us anticipate some potential issues, sex included. This preparation really helped us have some perspective about how things can unfold in the first stages of a marriage, and to have patience, humor, and empathy.

I'm reminded of a fantastic little exerpt from the book "Charly" by Jack Weyland (yes, I read it as a teen, what's your point?) that helped shape my own perspective on marital relations. Charly was a convert and therefore uninitiated in the practice of talking about sex only in the form of fluffy euphemisms. One Sunday she went to a Relief Society class and the instructor was discussing marriage, complete with white lacey tablecloth, picture of temple, and the most recent family portrait on display. At one point she asked what the sisters enjoyed doing with their husbands to improve their marriages. The answers included "going on long walks!" "playing board games," and "talking about their feelings." Charly listened, and then enthusiastically put up her hand and said "My husband and I enjoy making love!"

My inevitable advice.

1)Please, parents--get healthy about your own attitudes about love, sex, the human body, baggage from yucky old experiences, your parents' negative messages, etc. As soon as possible, please. Church members have published some very good books about sex in the context of a marriage, and there are some good ones from outside the church as well (including "The Act of Marriage). Look for trusted couples in your life that seem pretty healthy and happy and find a private, uninterruped time to speak to the same-gender spouse about your concerns or questions, but make sure your spouse knows you're going to do it! Then dish! Of course, you can always go to a good marriage therapist; preferably LDS, but at least Christian.

2)Teach your kids that there is no earthly pleasure on the earth (that I can think of) that the Lord is holding back from us. He wants us to experience the joys that come with a human body. Even illicit drugs are simply triggers for release of neurotransmitters that already exist in the body! (it's just an excessive release--"moderation in all things", y'know) They just need to wait for the right time and place, and put themselves in the situation where they will be able to experience the most pure, untainted, most joyful version of that experience! This can lead to a more hopeful, more realistic, less fear-driven anticipation for sex in its most appropriate context.

3) In the LDS arena, when we teach and talk about negative scriptural and gospel terms like "natural man" and "carnal pleasures" or even "lust", let's be careful to restrict them to inappropriate use of the bodily pleasures, such as overindulgence, obsession, infidelity, greed, etc. Let's not reinforce to our kids the idea that the body is inherently evil, such as the apostate churches and philosophers taught during the dark ages.

The worst thing that could happen is that there's more dialogue with your kids right? Don't worry, I'll come and hold your hand to help you get through saying the S word if you want. Whups that might open up the uncomfortable "inappropriate touch" and/or the "homosexuality" topics...

Computer-Cating

2008-10-30T12:38:00.010-06:00

I have found over the last few years that my wife and I communicate brilliantly online. I've only just recently started wondering why that is. Since grad school, I have set up MS Messenger on my computers at school and work, which made it possible for Julie to reach me and vice versa when we were either too poor for cell phones or when my workplace was in a southern Utah communications black hole. Or black valley, anyway. It just seems to flow, even better than in person.

I suppose that there are lots of reasons for this. We're young enough to be pretty comfortable with computers, and just old enough to still think talking by internet is kinda cool and technogical and stuff. Plus, I'm always looking for a reason to get out of writing papers or reports or otherwise being productive with my time.

I teach people stuff all the time about being sensitive, listening rather than "fixing," reflecting what was understood, talking about feelings rather than just thoughts, etc., etc. So I'm no slouch at communicating. In theory, anyway. Even so, I have found that I'm much better at it online than in person. Online I can take all the time I want to come up with the way I want to say things. I can delete and rephrase without her ever knowing. I can refer back to and cut and paste what was said earlier instead of having to remember what she said or what I said and how I phrased it. I can multitask without seeming inattentive. I even have an arsenal of emoticons and winks that are MUCH more expressive than what my own face is capable of.

Teaching about communication and boundaries in therapy and groups, I find find material in my own marriage to illustrate points, so of course I've had some realizations that way, too. I'm kind of emotionally fragile. Growing up I could always "sense" when someone in a bad mood stepped into the house, and I would run for my room and duck-and-cover the rest of the night. Then I married into Julie's family. Julie's family-particularly her and her siblings-can be intense at times when they're passionate about something. Intimidating, even. So of course when Julie has a strong opinion that I disagree with, well, I get scared. Also when we're out of money because I've been nickle-and-diming us to death, I just want to run to my room again. And when we're playing a game and she's explaining the rules. And when...But I digress.

Messenger takes out the intimidation factor. When we're typing, I don't get the brain cramping that makes me unable to remember my name, let alone what I said 20 minutes ago. She can interrupt me all she wants without me getting my panties in a bind. We can talk over each other or simultaneously without irritation or consequence. Online, regardless of fatigue, hunger, distractions, pain, embarrassment, or whatever, I can be the articulate, charming,reasonably intelligent person she married. I get the extra couple of seconds I need to think then express without those uncomfortable silences. No pressure to fill in pregnant pauses with the first inane thing that comes to mind. Beautiful!

Plus-and this is a big plus-flirting is easier. I've said since way back that Julie doesn't flirt. That's not exactly true--she just expresses honest, sincere adoration with her whole being. Well, online she flirts just fine. Live and in person, that's a little hard with the kiddlywinks and when looking desperately for car keys. Online it's a natural and beautiful thing.

A few minutes of that, though, and I want to stop typing and go communicate in person...

The Conspiracy of Cuteness

2008-10-23T15:48:00.011-06:00

Most parents, I think, are fairly pleased with their children. I am one of them. The offspring can be surprisingly cute, they're pretty smart (well, mine are--I don't know about yours), they can go and get you things and change the channel for you, and they say funny things sometimes(intentional or otherwise). So don't get me wrong when I say that for the most part, I think I've been sold a bill of goods about kids. I believe that there is an underground organization that dispenses propaganda about the virtues of children. Why? Probably because if we knew the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, we wouldn't have them (or at least not many of them) and then ultimately die out as a species; destroying the plan of salvation in the process.

Sure, I understand that spirits need to come and have bodies and have experience and prove themselves and all that. Heavenly Father probably wants the buggers out of his house, too (in a loving way). But this is above and beyond the "be fruitful and multiply" commandment. Mankind tends to disobey a lot of commandments we don't find comfortable or convenient. I just don't think enough of us would reproduce to the requisite degree if it weren't for the little half-truths or exaggerations or outright fibbing (however benevolent it may be intended) we take in about the wonders of children.

Here are some of the ideas out there that sucked me in...

1) "Saturday's Warriors". Ok, so the idea is that some of the best, most valiant spirits up there have been held back for this time so that they could handle the yuckiness of the last days. So where's all this inherent nobility? If my 5-year-old were an old, wise, noble spirit, he'd be looking at the dinner I just made and think "'twould be a noble thing to eat this apparently indigesible substance, for lo-look there upon my father. Is he not weary? Is he not bedraggled? Has he not prepared this to nourish my mortal frame? And is it not written; 'thou shalt honor thy father'? Therefore, I shall sit and eat the things that my father hath commanded me to eat, and should I die before this meal is through, Happy day! All is well!" Not so much.

2) The inherent spirituality of children. Ok, how many times have you heard in conference, sacrament meeting, or in church magazines about the children who suddenly stand up in Family Home Evening, become encircled with light, and tell their family how much they love them and how very much they love their Heavenly Father, and that the church is true beyond the shadow of a doubt? (or some derivation thereof). It's more like: "Ok kids, let's talk about Charity. Charity is the pure...Brynna, get off the entertainment center, that's not safe. So yeah, Charity is...Alex, turn off the gameboy. Now. I said now. No, you weren't turning it off, you were--oh never mind. OK, so Charity is like---OWWW! WHAT THE HECK! Callen! You just poked me with that! Where did you get a fondu fork anyway?"

3) Children idolize their father. So when do I get to see my kids all googly-eyed, emulating me by putting their dishes in the dishwasher, or cleaning up the water they spilled on the floor, or deriving joy from tending the garden, or refilling the fridge water jug, or putting the wrapper they just dropped in the garbage can as they bask in my fatherly approval? Why do they only want to copy me when they see me drink straight from the milk jug or have the last Oreo?

4) The general idea that I would be the wise parent who teaches wisdom to my kids. Ok, I don't know about anybody else's kids, but generally my kids say "whatever" more often than they say "Ah, yet another nugget of wisdom to write in my journal." I would love to teach my kids about how to write a decent paper, how to handle embarrassing moments, how to appropriately comfort a mourning person, how to make 4 distinct popping sounds with your mouth, how to know when a girl is attracted to you--heck, I would love to get just one decent question about sex. What I get is, "Yeah, right" or "Uh, ok-I'm not going to do that."

In general I think that it's a good thing that they're here. I have some pretty good pictures and video that give me some warm feelings in retrospect. And certainly when I think of some of my clients and the mess they've got at home, I know my kids are pretty OK. But, hey--just every now and then I'd like to see one of my kids nearly translated in my living room like the ones the General Primary Presidency ladies talk about, y'know?

Another Political Entry

2008-09-30T15:12:00.007-06:00

OK, I am going to vote for McCain, though I may be holding my nose a bit while doing so. I struggled, believe it or not, because I like how articulate and "Statesman-like" (read: nice deep voice and youngish) Obama is--that's been missing from the presidency for awhile--and part of me would be willing to suffer some socialism for awhile so I can say that my country is capable of electing a black man for president. Also having a charismatic guy in the White House may inspire another Clinton-era, glossy-eyed, "fat & happy" economic boom. But--his politics are just too scary, and if we still have a democrat-led congress, he may actually get some of his policies passed, or appoint somebody, and we can't have that.

McCain scares me too, though. I have a yucky taste in my mouth remembering his grumpy 2000 candidacy and his borderline antimormon race against our boy Mitt. I don't question his conservatism or his devotion to country; I just think he's a cranky old guy at best and a loose cannon at worst. Don't let him around the launch codes if he hasn't had his morning paper and orange juice yet. If he's elected and manages to stay alive for the next four years, I really hope he opts to stay at home for the most part and stay away from foreign diplomacy. He's apt to poke some foreign dignitary in the eye with a sharp stick for looking at him wrong.

Sarah Palin is a breath of fresh air though. I hope when she gets her feet under her she'll turn out to be sharp, naturally articulate, and clear on her beliefs. I can't get a read either way. Maybe McCain was hoping she's so young and inexperienced that she hasn't had time to do anything really embarrassing or stupid or corrupt yet, because we just can't seem to find any really clean, upstanding, consistent politicians in any party at this point.

In any case, she got Tina Fey to come back to SNL for a few bits. Whatever political leanings you have, you have to admit this is funny... (You'll need to pause my music for this)

(Sorry, the imbedded video became unavailable and I had to delete. Look for Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on YouTube-genius!)

"This Must Go"

2008-06-08T21:34:00.004-06:00

I listen to a morning radio show called "Radio From Hell." Actually, I listen to the Podcast, because it's hard to listen to the radio when you're doing therapy, and maybe because I'm just that cool. Anyway, though it may seem like this is further evidence that I'm going inactive, it's actually pretty funny stuff and they're only crass every once in a while-and I always give a stern look to my iPod when it happens.

Anyway, Radio from (that place) has a regular bit where they take lists from listeners of things that "must go," or, things that are annoying and/or upsetting, and if you're doing any of them, please please stop. One of my "Must-Go's" would be making words plural by adding an apostrophe S, but my grammatical snobbishness is a topic for another blog entry.

This blog entry occurred to me as I was sitting in church, herding the cats that are my children and contemplating anything other than what I should have been contemplating. There are things that go on in a typical month of Sundays that simply MUST GO. Here is my list, and I'll try to avoid the obvious ones, like High Councilmen who don't know when the meeting ended, people that give talks in their prayers, and flying cheerios:

1) Baby blessings with any more that 5 or 6 brethren surrounding the baby being blessed. OK, family unity is important, and I realize people may be worried about excluding anyone and ruffling feathers, but I've seen blessings where I swear the circle was so big there's no way they could have been touching the baby with anything but the very tips of their fingers, if at all! It's a wonder (a blessing?)the poor kid didn't asphyxiate with all the body heat and exhaled carbon dioxide. In a related "Must Go," weighing down poor 8-year-olds with 20+ hands, not to mention the body heat and CO2. The Holy Ghost will enter on his own, he doesn't have to be forcibly pushed in... Blessings that involve more than 1/2 the congregation MUST GO.

2) The "priesthood lemming effect" that seems to force men to sit in the back of the room in opening exercises, leaving upwards of 10 empty rows in the front. What could be the reason for this phenomenon? Magnetic repulsion? Centrifugal force? Maybe it's like the concept that people will go to kingdoms that match their comfort level in various proximities to God. Only in this case it's the bishopric. To counter this mysterious force when I'm teaching High Priest Quorum, I sneak in early and move all the padded chairs to the front and the cold metal ones to the back row. That got them at least to the middle rows... Backrow Joes MUST GO.

3) My beloved brothers and sisters who continue to ignore repeated General Conference instruction from the brethren that a testimony consists of topics such as the Savior, Joseph Smith, modern revelation, the Book of Mormon, etc. It is NOT a litany of people they've wronged and church-related places they've visited and people they'd like to thank and the people they love A LOT. Maybe we just need to have a meeting that we call "the Special Soapbox" with a microphone that people can use to declare these heartfelt thoughts that just don't belong in a testimony meeting. Testimonies that arent' testimonies MUST GO.

4) Related to #3; the brethren have also suggested that the place for children to practice their testimonies is in the home and in Primary. If they become unexpectedly articulate and sincere, then maybe they graduate to the big leagues on special invitation, but otherwise, keep practicing. I tend to see a lot of kids who are filling a need for attention rather than expressing a belief (which is appropriate developmentally but not any other way in this setting), leading at times to shouting and/or giggling about 2 milimeters from the microphone. Or on the other extreme we have the the silent starers who must become a ventriloquist dummy in order to deliver someone else's testimony (which, ironically, in its content and brevity is probably more in line with the brethren's counsel...), perhaps following the lead of a big sibling or parent without anticipating the paralysis that grips the testifying neophyte. Perhaps if they started at home and got over the small family embarrassment, then moved on to the larger but not very intimidating Primary crowd, they'd have sufficient preparation to deliver a brief and articulate personal testimony. Most little kid testimonies MUST GO.

5) Deacons, teachers, or Priests who show up for church late but go ahead and displace someone else who was going to pass the sacrament in their place, causing a bit of a ruckus as they jockey to their new positions. Maybe the parents who got them to church late deserve the credit here, but in any case--passing the sacrament is a privilege, not a right. If you're going to have to make a spectacle of yourself to perform your duty, then it's better to just inconspicuously and reverently sit in the back with your family. Popcorn popping priesthood passers MUST GO.

6) Brynna, when she becomes a fuss-bucket for no discernable reason in Sacrament meeting MUST GO! And the fact that I MUST GO with her, MUST GO.

7) Finally, people who spend their time looking for things to annoy them rather than focus on being spiritually fed, MUST GO. Man they're annoying.

Thoughts on Teaching Priesthood & SS Lessons

2008-05-17T10:57:00.011-06:00

I was recently called as one of several instructors in the High Priest quorum, a calling I've had in each ward I've lived in since becoming a high priest. I think that they call me because I'm relatively young and less likely to fall asleep while actually teaching the lesson. The instruction coordinator (or whatever his job title is) told me he would remind me two weeks ahead of time when it was my turn to teach, because he knew that he needed at least that long to prepare.

I thanked him politely, but was thinking "2 weeks? What in the world do you do in two weeks to prepare for a lesson that lasts forty minutes at the most?" I have since consulted with a few family members and discovered that this is actually a fairly common need, or at least a fairly commonly perceived need.

I would like to make the case for a much shorter preparation period for Sunday School and Priesthood lessons. I intentionally do not comment on the preparation of Relief Society lessons because, quite frankly, I don't understand them. I can't remember ever having attended a RS lesson, but I hear things about elaborate table centerpieces and tablecloths and pictures and bookmarks, etc. Frankly, it sounds masochistic, but there seems to be an underlying culture of womanhood and heightened visual stimulaton that I will not be able to address with any expertise here.

I wish to make the following points.

1) As mentioned before, due to the fact that Sacrament Meetings and the Priesthood opening exercises often goes long, one rarely need prepare a lesson that will last more than 40 minutes. Tack on a couple of announcements and introductions, plus the closing prayer, and you're down to 30 or 35 minutes at most.

2) Unless you're a bishop, quorum president, RS president or auxiliary head (not counting Sunday School), it's not intended that your calling take over your life. Most of us have children, spouses, jobs, home repairs, lawns, gardens, 2nd callings, volunteer work, older parents to care for, etc, etc., that are the essence of why we're here on this earth. Extensive lesson preparation will likely take important time away from these people and activities.

3) Although it is true that most teachers learn more than their teach-ees through the preparation process, I would propose that you will reach a point of diminishing returns on a particular lesson, possibly because one may cross over into the pride zone, i.e., "People will sure be impressed by these individualized and inspirational Thomas S. Monson cupholders." A reasonable period of daily scripture study and prayer should take the place of extensive lesson preparation to avoid this temptation.

4) Modern lesson manuals are designed to give you plenty of material without you having to branch out much. In fact, bringing in a ton of external content such as quotes from Mormon Doctrine and the Journal of Discourses may distract from the purpose of the lesson (no matter how wonderful it may be!) and is discouraged. Furthermore, participants are expected to have read the material and be ready to comment. Therefore, it can then be reasonably expected that a good portion of the lesson should be "taught" by the participants as they participate. You should expect that participant comments take up much of the lesson time! After all, it's not your teaching that will make an impact ultimately, it's whether the spirit is carrying the message to the hearts in the room. (D&C 50:22)

5) It is the sad reality that most of a long, elaborate lesson will not be able to be taught, due to the realities of the SS or Priesthood Lesson dynamics. You will either have to 1) cut out large portions of your lesson during the lesson, or 2)hurry through it in the last few moments, or 3) go overtime (causing problems for the other auxiliaries), or 4) ignore participants' comments that may be more relevant than your own (remember the Spirit!), all of which of which may not be in keeping with the influence of the Spirit in the moment.

THEREFORE: These are my recommendations for preparing a Sunday School or Priesthood lesson:

1) The Sunday before you are teaching, take some time to read the lesson.
2) During the week, allow the spirit to whisper ideas into your mind about which points are the important ones to bring out to your particular group of participants. Write these ideas down ASAP.
3) On Friday or Saturday, set aside time to say a specific prayer that you will be able to discern the most important points of the lesson for those you'll be teaching. Then read through the lesson again and mark/highlight paragraphs that emphasize the points you've written down during the week. Write comments that occur to you in the margins or on a separate sheet of paper. Do not write full sentences! This will tempt you to read your thoughts during a lesson as if you were giving a talk. A lesson is NOT a talk! (see #4 above)
4) IF time allows, copy or re-type the paragraphs you've determined are key to the lesson.
5) Organize in your mind or a sheet of paper what are the key points to emphasized in the lesson, and then identify them in the beginning of the lesson and at the end.
6) On the day of the lesson, pray earnestly for the spirit to guide you during the lesson. Don't worry, your kids will still bug you, etc., but the Lord knows that prep work for the lesson and He will not leave you alone during your lesson.
7) During your lesson, people should be invited to comment on the points of the lesson through open-ended questions, and then allowed to feel the pains of a guilty soul if they are unprepared. If it is evident that NO ONE is prepared, then you use the manual and/or prepared paragrahs (see #4) to be read by you or the participants, which they can then comment on as their brains and/or the spirit moves them.
8) Don't be afraid of silence as people think about their responses; watch their faces. Often you can call on people whose faces are showing you deep thought.
9) Always end by re-stating your points and testifying of their truth.

And Voila! I guarantee this method will make a much greater impact than lots of visual aids, refrigerator magnets, and elaborate centerpieces! And as a bonus, you will find that teaching a lesson is much more satisfying. If teaching makes you feel queasy, it's probably because you have dreaded the preparation or the pains and anxiety of a too-long lesson.

Mormons Only: Another Look at The Olive Tree

2008-04-20T19:59:00.002-06:00

Our Sunday-school class today discussed allegory of the olive tree in the book of Jacob (that's in the Book of Mormon, for you non-mormon visitors). The teacher led us through the usual meanings of each of the symbols, then introduced a new way to interpret them. "Uh, oh. Here comes the false doctrine." Yeah, that's what I thought, too, but it turned out to be fairly interesting.

For those of you unfamiliar with the allegory of the olive tree, or for those who have forgotten (repent!), the short version is this: The Lord of a vineyard and his servant work to squelch the emergence of "wild" olives on his trees by nurturing the trees, then transplanting branches around the vineyard. The results are mixed as the seasons progress until he gets good results. The meaning has to do with the covenant people of the Lord and their behavior and migrations over the course of time.

Here are the "new," more personal interpretations of the symbols:

Fruit (olive): our behavior
Vineyard: the places we go (geographically)
Branches: our kids
Servant(s): Leaders of the church
Lord of Vineyard: parents
Tame olive trees: our families
Wild olive trees: malignant influences
Roots: foundation of gospel
Rocky Soil: Place where there aren't many good influences

You get some interesting scenarios when using these symbols, such as:

1) Sometimes when the branches (kids) get out of line we want to toss them into the fire (sometimes that's a metaphor, other times...), but then the Servant (sometimes church leaders, sometimes our level-headed spouse) intercedes and recommends digging and dunging some more (nurture, love, talk to, etc.).

2) Sometimes our kids benefit from getting out of the house (transplanting branches) and are tested and tried "out there" (i.e. college, missions, etc.), and if they've had the benefit of the strong roots of the Tame Olive Tree (the family) they'll bring forth some good fruit.

3) My personal favorite: sometimes our Utah daughters (branches from Tame Olive tree) really bloom when they are transplanted into an olive tree in Rocky Soil (families outside of Utah, such as Nebraska).

More Tagging Fun

2008-02-23T08:32:00.002-07:00

Tag #2! From Anne Marie

*Find the book closest to you with at least 123 pages.
*Turn to page 123.
*Find the fifth sentence.
*Post the next 3 sentences.
*Tag 5 people.

The decorative bookshelf downstairs contained the closest books, so I took the one on top, which is "Lincoln: A Photobiography." Since it's a photo biography, there are only two paragraphs on the page, but here they are:

"During the third act, Mary reached over to take Lincoln's hand. She pressed closer to him. Behind them, the door to the presidential box was closed but not locked. Lincoln's bodyguard that evening, John Parker, had slipped away from his post outside the door to go downstairs and watch the play. The audience had just burst into laughter when the door swung open. A shadowy figure stepped into the box, stretched out his arm, aimed a small derringer pistol at the back of Lincoln's head, and pulled the trigger. Lincoln's arm jerked up. He slumped forward in his chair as Mary reached out to to catch him. Then she screamed."

What an exciting page 123! Coincidence? Or the magic of the tag?

The Tag Thing

2008-02-22T19:14:00.007-07:00

Ok so I don't want to be left out of the tagging thing. Here goes:

A. The rules are posted at the beginning.

B. Each player answers about themselves.

C. At the end of the post, the player tags 5 people, posts their names, and goes to their blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

5 Things I Was Doing 10 Years Ago

1. Getting ready for my first 29th birthday.

2. Living in my first house as a married man. Oh yeah, and my brother-in-law Mike with his baby mama bride were living downstairs.

3. Working at Head Start in Provo as a Family Service Specialist; mainly working with Hispanic families.

4. Learning Algebra with my sister-in-law Joy Lynn as a tutor, in preparation for taking the Graduate Record Exam.

5. Trying out antidepressants for the first time.

5 Things on My To-Do List Today

1. Get to my 9:30 clinical meeting on time.

2. Take Alex's coat back to Wal-Mart because it was too small-he's growing like a weed!

3. Chip away at the mountain of paperwork I'm behind on at work.

4. Help Julie get the boys ready for the Klondike Derby.

5. Go to the airport to see Josh get home from his mission!

5 Snacks I Enjoy

1. Oreo's. The perfect cookie.

2. Cereal. Just about any kind.

3. Leftover pizza.

4. Chocolate covered almonds.

5. Shelled salted peanuts.

5 Things I'd Do If I Were a Billionaire

1. Quit my job almost immediately.

2. Pay off everything. Pay off all of my extended family's everything.

3. Create foundations to pay off lots of people's debts. I hate debt.

4. Become a perpetual student.

5. Build my own little clinic and charge clients on a sliding scale.

3 Bad Habits

1. Procrastinating.

2. Staying up too late and then being tired all the next day.

3. Passively criticizing my wife for things that I also do.

5 Jobs I've Had

1. Pasta maker & buffet maintanance guy at a pizza place

2. Night stalker, I mean stocker, at a grocer store.

3. Legal news reporter (more like legal notice "typer" for a legal news rag)

4. Research assistant in grad school (read: slave to people with PhD's)

5. Marriage & Family Therapist. Yay!

5 Things People Probably Don't Know About Me

1. My large intestine is flopped over so my appendix is on my left side.

2. I get tingles down the back of my leg when I see or hear about some wound that obviously hurts a lot.

3. I was born with a double hernia.

4. I am obsessed with cleaning wax out of my ears. I think it feels good-probably left over from when I was a kid and had lots of ear infections--the doctors would clean things out with nice warm water. And yes, I do insert q-tips into my ear canal.

5. I spent inordinate amounts of time as a kid in the creation of an imaginary "dirt company"--producing various types of dirt for all your dirt needs.

I'm not tagging anyone--But it would be fun if my sister & mom did it via e-mail.

Living the "Less Active" Life

2008-02-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

I heard some years ago that the official definition of "less active" in the LDS church is having missed at least 3 out of 4 meetings in a month. Sadly, then, I must declare that on this day, the 10th day of February, 2008, I have become... less active.

I'm not proud of it. It just kind of snuck up on me. The first week, I just felt sick and stayed in bed. The 2nd week, I had to stay home with sick kids because Julie has a job in church in which she's somewhat indispensable (Primary Chorister). This week, I find myself laid up with back spasms that have me bent over and unable to support the weight of my upper body without waves of pain shooting across my middle back. Even if I didn't have this problem, Brynna's bout with Chicken Pox has begun, so I'd probably be home with her anyway. Ugh. I find myself having missed more weeks of church in a row than I can remember.

So what happens now? Do I get the designation of "Jack Mormon?" Do I get some special visits from missionaries? Will I get a new calling as a door greeter or Hymn book caretaker to make me feel like I'm needed/wanted? Maybe the Relief Society will designate someone as my "special friend." Hey! Could I score a special meal or something?

I do feel a little different. There must be a metamorphosis of some kind occurring. I've been reading the Salt Lake Tribune a bit more lately. I have found myself wondering about the Adam/God theory in idle moments. I've even grown my goatee out again. Should I buy a boat and a fishing pole? Hmmm.

I'm think there's hope for me yet, though. I still feel a connection with the church. My tithing's paid up, I think. I like my Bishop okay. I'm listening to "Soft Sunday Sounds" as I write this. I haven't had any sacrament meetings or special ceremonies in my living room. I hold a temple recommend, though I think I need to get the stake presidency to sign the new bar code version in my wallet... I even read part of the Church News this last week.

So I'll take the "less active" label for a week. It'll be good for some laughs at work and maybe it'll help me relate to some long-term less active member and help me draw them back into the fold. In the meantime, feel free to fellowship me with faith promoting stories & rumors, inspiring food, and maybe even an intervention of some kind. I'll bring the Mountain Dew.

Me and Snow-An Unhealthy Relationship?

2008-01-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

This has been a banner year for snow in Heber. For the last month or so, I think we have have only had a few days in a row without it. Consequently, there's a lot of snow in my yard, on my driveway and walks (sorry Dad, I know you taught me to stay on top of shoveling), on the roads, etc. It has affected my amount of sleep, has been responsible for damage to my car, has gotten me stuck on various occasions, has landed me on my tuckus more than once, it lengthens the time my wife is out doing her job in the morning, and even brought a policeman to my door with a warning about the snow buildup on my sidewalks (again--sorry Dad). With all this trouble, you'd think that I would be shaking my fist at the heavens (well--at the clouds, anyway) and denouncing the white stuff.

But...I just can't do it! --sob-- I love snow! I have for as long as I can remember. I love the way it looks. I love the crunch underfoot. I love the crisp air and the hushed quiet that seems to come with it. I love how it covers everything evenly with those soft contours. I love the potential for fun that comes with it-snowballs, snow men, sledding, tubing... I love it when it's snowing hard-there's just a feeling that comes with it that I can't exactly describe; it's like a warm blanket around me, like I'm about to get wrapped up in it and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. I have guessed that it has to do with memories of getting to stay home from school because of blizzards back in Nebraska, but I think it goes deeper than that. I have always loved being in my own little niches, like hideouts and couch cushion forts or even wrapped up tight in heavy warm blankets. Snow kind of makes the world feel like that. Well, except for the "warm" part.

I took an outdoor wilderness survival course in college that gave me the chance to build snow shoes and cross country ski and build fires in unlikely conditions, but best of all we got to realize the culmination of all things good about snow; the snow cave. My snow cave was awesome. It had stairs down to the door and a welcome sign. It had a door made of the best tree bark. It had a small garage for my gear. It had recesses in the walls where the candles that warmed the inside to a balmy 32-36 degrees made the snow glitter on the ceiling and walls. Unfortunately the class requirements only allowed me to sleep in it one night, but I remember that night as very cozy; I slept like a baby, except when I had to wander out to take care of business (also an adventure in snow!). Next time I'll add a bathroom wing.

Most people look at me weird when I'm looking out at the snow at work with a silly grin on my face, commenting about the hairy drive home I'm in for. I tell them No, I'm not looking forward to the precarious twists and turns I'll have to navigate with limited visibility. Yes, chances are it'll double my commute time. Okay, if I have to take my family anywhere in it I'll be pretty white knuckled. Yeah, I may even have a hard time just getting out of the parking lot. But I just can't talk bad about snow with any real emotion. Yeah, if you were in a relationship with a person that treated you this badly despite your devotion, I'd call you co-dependent or something. So sue me. Snow and I have a weird relationship.

Morals vs. Values

2007-12-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

I sat in on a group therapy session today that focused on morals and values. I found myself fascinated by the questions that were asked and the different levels of thought that were being drawn out of the kids. The surface answers had to do with issues such as getting caught and feeling bad, the deeper thinkers talked about the effects of their actions on the relationships they have with people. For example, breaking some of the small rules on campus, such as not playing games on their computer during study hall, would have little transferable relevance to real life. However, if the student thinks about the effect that breaking that rule may have on their ongoing relationship with their staff (i.e., disappointment, trust, nagging, reputation), it has much larger ramifications. The student may not subscribe to the moral imperative of doing the "right thing" in this situation, but he/she values relationships, and therefore may choose to follow the rule.

Morals and Values seem interchangeable, but the way it was ultimately defined in our group was as follows: morals are what you aspire to, but values determine what you do. For example; my morality dictates that I must be honest and truthful, but since I occasionally lie about one thing or another ("cough, cough-yeah I'm not feeling well this morning so I'm going to stay home today"), my behavior demonstrates that I don't entirely value honesty. I believe that the best thing (morals) is to put in a hard-fought, 8-hour day at work, but I seem to value being with my family and relaxation more. Therefore I sometimes come up short in my moral obligation to my employer. So although most of us like to think that our morals and values are the same thing, it often just ain't so. A good goal, therefore, would be to try to recognize what we actually value and bring it into line with our morals, assuming we have some good ones.

My favorite new comedy

2007-11-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

If you can get WGN on cable or satellite tv, check out Corner Gas, a comedy from Canada! Even burdened as they are with crushing taxes and socialized medicine (maybe there aren't enough people in Sascatchewan (sp?), where the show takes place, to make for very long lines), they have managed to produce a quality product here. I rarely find a show that makes me laugh consistently, but this is one of them. It's not even like Seinfeld, that often made me laugh only after seeing the same episode three times. Of course not all of the jokes get a laugh, but it's kind of like the movie Airplane--even if they only score on 1/4 of the jokes, they keep them coming fast enough to keep me entertained. Enjoy!

Finding the "gray" solution

2007-11-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

A common theme in counseling is black & white thinking, or thinking that there are only two options; one extreme or the other on a line with two points. This is sometimes fostered in our religious culture because our religious discussions (and we have a lot of them) tend to make us think of most things as either right or wrong, good or evil, spirit or flesh, promptings from the Lord or the adversary, etc. I say religious culture because thinking this way about everything is not mandatory for a person living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Much of daily thinking and problem solving is a matter of creativity.

The fact is that a great deal of our life is spent in making decisions without tapping into our basic intelligence and creativity. We do what we've done before or what we've seen others do before us, regardless of how successful that solution has been. We bang our head on the brick wall, thinking that this time, we'll break through it, effectively wasting time and damaging ourselves (physically and metaphorically) without noticing the ladders and the shovels around us, and sometimes not noticing that our goal or destination (on the other side of the bricks) isn't the most desirable anyway.

The trick is allowing onesself the flexibility of rejecting both extremes as the only possible solutions to problems, and explore the possibilities in the middle; better yet, reject the idea that ideas and possibilities are on a two dimensional range. For example, if we unhooked ourselves from the extremes of the discipline continuum "shall I spank my two-year-old or kneel down and try to communicate better in a calm voice?", we might find solutions such as spontaneously turning on some funky music and jumping around the room. Your kid might look at you like you're crazy for a few minutes, but before long he/she's going to be grinning and jumping, too, effectively derailing the problem altogether. Most of us, when really pushed to do so, can find solutions and ideas that exist outside the continuum between the extremes. It's sometimes called "thinking outside the box," which is, of course, a box of our own, and/or our family's, and/or our culture's, creation.

A lot of these "out of the box" ideas can come from the Spirit, if we're in the mind frame to open ourselves to it. This can be really hard if we're exasperated, tired, pressured, bored, etc., but those are generally the times when we like to bang our heads on the brick wall, because even if it doesn't work all that well and and it hurts, at least we don't have to think much. I think we have to be putting ourselves in circumstances of spiritual receptiveness, such as--recite them with me--praying, reading scriptures, listening to uplifting music, etc., and then we'll be less apt to be freaking and more receptive to conduits of pure intelligence. After all, Heavenly Father certainly isn't trapped in a small box of thinking. He's like "OK, been there, done that with kid number 2 zillion and 34, and by the way, I know what your kid will respond to, because he/she is my kid." And that's just in the parenting arena. Think what he could do for your marriage or your catering situation.

I think it's important, though, to not get too caught up in whether something's coming from your brain and intelligence, or from Divine inspiration. When we depend on the former, frankly, some of us come up short and we could be wracking our brain for quite a while... With the latter we may fall into the habit of dropping to our knees every time we're confronted with an extensive lunch menu. What difference does it make as long as we're staying in tune and giving thanks either way? Besides, the more we listen to the still small voice, the more capacity our own brain develops, ad infinitum! Look at Joseph Smith for examples of this. Talk about thinking outside the box!

Fascinating Womanhood

2007-10-21T19:38:00.000-06:00

Hopefully those of you that have read or skimmed the book of the same name just groaned out loud. Today in priesthood the topic of the day was President Kimball's views on the role(s) of women, which led to a pretty interesting discussion in High Priest's quorum. I tend to talk a lot in the quorum so I had some thoughts that I held back for the blog...

Several bretheren mentioned that the roles of women have changed "tremendously" over the course of just 50 years or so, in the context of society in general. I think they meant that due to progressive elements in society women have gained ground (at least in western society) as to what they can do, i.e. doctor, lawyer, indian chief, etc. vs. married mother or spinster.

Although all the choices may cause more conflict in some LDS women, "causing" them to make less than optimum choices like putting off marriage & children in order to make a career, I think it's making for stronger women in the church and in families. Why? Because girls and women today are making choices, rather than feeling like they HAVE to become wives and mothers because that's the only option available. Sure, there are still spiritual consequences to each choice, but at least a multitalented, intelligent young lady today can say they made the choice out of a myriad of possibilities in this world. It seems like this would make the choice a more spiritual one than a cultural one, which will lead to a wife and mother who is more confident, more focused, more fulfilled and more emotionally available than someone who sighs and "does her duty."

In discussing this with Julie, she points out the within the LDS culture, a faithful woman may still make the family choice out of a sense of responsibility rather than "choice," since they know that any other choice will lead to disapproval from the most important people in her life, as well as from the the God they've learned about their whole lives. It's difficult to refute this, but it seems like if a young lady has worked in her youth to bring her mind and heart into harmony and understanding of their true potential instead of bogging down in the styles, trends, powers and praises of the world, this underlying sense of unfulfillment would be less likely.

Which leads to the main thought I had during the class; the perspective of what this existence's purpose is about should lead both women and men away from the relative triviality of career and money as a source of fulfillment. A woman who has fabulous talents with music or finance who is married to a man in tune with the spirit will create a situation where those talents will have outlets, right? Maybe not in ways that create fame & fortune, but hopefully we all realize that that only lasts as long as this life, anyway (usually less). I realize that this may pretty naive and idealistic, but aren't most of our ideals equally so?

Living in Hispanic Utah

2007-10-20T16:10:00.000-06:00

When we moved into our subdivision, it quickly became apparent that a good many of our neighbors are Hispanic. This appealed to me, as I haven't had much chance to practice my Spanish over the last few years. It has turned into an interesting cultural experience. A few eccentricities, I mean features, of living in a Hispanic neighborhood (at least ours)include:

1) Couches on front porches, filled in the evening with men (rarely women) sitting and chatting well into the night under the light of the porch light.

2) Warm summer evenings with music in the air that features the tuba and accordion.

3) A bike horn sounding on Sunday evenings, signaling the arrival of a guy selling Hispanic music out of his car trunk.

4) In a similar vein, there is what looks like a construction site lunch wagon that shows up in the evening selling what seems to be a full assortment of Mexican groceries.

I don't know that this is a Hispanic thing or not, but 5) kids ranging from barely toddling to pre-teen fearlessly walking, running, and riding a variety of vehicles in the street as I carefully wind my way to my driveway. Just for purposes of contrast, Julie and Alex (the two adults in our family) begin to hyperventilate whenever Brynna's toe crosses the plane that divides "street" from the safety of the sidewalk.

6)Males from 8 to 50 playing soccer ("futbol") every evening in the water retention hole at the end of the block with all manner of debris serving as goalposts (or net or whatever it's called).

We haven't exactly blended into a melting pot, considering Julie doesn't speak Spanish and the kids are PeoplePhobes with almost everyone they don't live with, not just the Hispanic folk. The exception is Callen, who quickly made friends with most of the local kids.

This has led to a recent birthday party invitation for the little girl next door, Maria Alejandra, which I attended with Callen and Brynna. It was quite the elaborate affair for a two-year old. Soon after I arrived I was served a greek pasta salad, followed by barbequed chicken and a bottomless soda cup, as happy children singing birthday songs played in the background. Soon the room was filled by mostly grown-up celebrants. Mom and Dad were constantly moving, cooking, serving people beverages and setting up for the next event of the evening. Before long the pinatas were hauled out, one for the bigger kids and one for the little ones--did you know that the cones on the pinatas were for breaking off the downed pinata and putting the candy in? The pinatas were filled with Mexican candy, which was no doubt purchased on the lunch wagon. The rest was fairly normal birthday fair; a humongous "Strawberry Shortcake"-themed cake with the candles and singing happy birthday, which was sung in English, curiously enough. The kids also got to take home a big bag of more Mexican candy, which they even got to eat all by themselves since the older ones were a little suspicious of the unfamiliar brands.

Maybe it'll be the little ones that will usher in the integration of our family in to the Hispanic culture of our neighborhood. That's assuming they that the Flack shyness isn't linked to puberty hormones or something. Maybe one of the kids will marry one of the locals and replenish the Latino blood in the Sorensen clan. I can't decide whether Aluita would welcome this or roll over in her grave to have a Mexican in the family..

Nappers of the World Unite!

2007-09-01T16:02:00.000-06:00

I am a napper.

I nap.

I thought of this blog entry as I lay down for a minute (ha!) after work the other day. The sweet tingling feeling in my feet and legs, the unwinding of knots in my head and mind, the almost spiritual release of life's burdens... Ahhh. I thought to myself--this is a phenomenon worth recording.

I nap for a variety of reasons, but before getting into any complicated explanations, the basic idea is that I'm often tired in the afternoon. Luckily, as a therapist whose work requires confidentiality, I always have an office with a door, and half-hour power naps are a fairly common occurence. Even after a fairly good night's rest, if a bed or couch or somewhat quiet carpeted corner is available, and there's a tolerable amount of guilt associated with neglect of wife and/or kids, I'm out. I don't know why. That's just the way it is.

I could make the case that I've rarely gotten a good night's sleep since we started having kids, but the fact is that I've always napped. I imagine that I nap due to a combination of physiological makeup, psychological compensation, and family culture. My first memories of napping are of my mother reading to me after morning kindergarten, all snuggled up in her bed. At family holidays, especially Thanksgiving, it was part of the ritual. About 15 minutes after pie, as if prompted by an unspoken cue, folks scattered about Grandma's house and settled down for a snooze. Naps represent warmth, contentment, comfort, security, tradition, home.

For better or for worse, naps also represent an escape for me sometimes. As I've written before, my moods take a dive sometimes, and naps are an escape into warm, comfortable, stress-free oblivion. On my mission in Argentina, where the "siesta" was an accepted custom (thank goodness), the nap was a welcome respite from long distance bike rides, culture shock, repeated rejection, insufferable companions, and the occasional bout of homesickness. And the accompanying dreams often gave me a little trip back home to see loved ones.

Napping and people associated with napping are often misunderstood and maligned. Julie, as most of my readers will know, is not a napper. And since Julie is right about most things, it sometimes makes me doubt my self-worth as a napper. She has been known to take a nap now and then, but always regrets it--"I feel like I have a towel in my head." I can only attribute her averse response to her own physical makeup and perhaps a touch of imprinting from her upbringing with a father who was always doing, doing, doing, therefore setting up her expectations of manhood. (That'll be $120 for the analysis, Julie). The only free nap pass I really get is when she sends me to put one of the kids down for a nap. As a father, often you must lead by example, you know.

I have been known to nap at my in-law's house, which I believe has led to some speculation into my enjoyment of their company. Nothing could be further from the truth, although I do admit that I have occasionally escaped from the chaos of large family gatherings through naps. I'm from a family of 4, remember, and having 30+ people of various sizes and volumes crammed in to a kitchen is sometimes more than I'm equipped to handle! As for my family, my mom's the only non-napper, and she always kept herself occupied enough to keep her from suffering overmuch from neglect as her husband and two kids conked out on a regular basis.

Writing this blog has actually made me a little tired...

The Passing of an Apostle

2007-08-10T20:19:00.000-06:00

A coworker today waved me over to his computer. He was on his cell phone, telling his wife what he was reading; that President Faust had passed away during the night. We were both pretty surprised--neither of us had heard anything about it the whole morning, and since, upon reflection, I realized that we were the only church members in the building, noone else had paid enough attention to realize that an Apostle of Jesus Christ had passed away. That realization gave me pause; that only two people at an institution in the middle of Utah were aware of the significance of this man, much less grieved at his passing. I was a little disturbed that I worked at a place where so few members of my faith decided to come to work.

One of the first things I thought of was a time when I was 16 or 17, so 21 years ago or so (wow!), when I was playing volleyball at the stake center. Stake conference was the next day, so I shouldn't have been so surprised when, lo and behold, President Faust (Elder Faust, then) poked his head in the door and had a good look at us. I happened to be facing the door, so I saw him, but few others did and the activity went on uninterrupted. He obviously didn't see the need to interrupt and call attention to himself. I have since found that to be the case in most of my experiences with apostles. Elder Haight once walked halfway down the MTC hallway beside me before I realized who he was.

I was a bit starstruck; you have to understand that in Nebraska we only VERY rarely saw a general authority, much less an apostle. So they tend to take on a reverent form of celebrity status for us poor mission field teenieboppers. They were seen on TV, read in magazines, quoted in worship services, and their names memorized in Sunday School. So the impact on me was considerable and I'm sure I waved goofily to him or something equally dignified.

A guilty confession: I have to admit that my shock and regret at his passing was quickly intruded upon by a sense of anticipation that a new apostle would soon be identified and we'd soon have the chance to get to know another powerful (and no doubt extremely humbled and overwhelmed) man in the gospel. Being brought up in the church, I have to admit that death rarely impacts me terribly hard, particularly if I don't have close contact with the person. I've always been taught that people such as President Faust are most likely VERY happy to be release from their earthly calling and with their loved ones on the other side of the veil. I imagined a younger James Faust (I have seen pictures) looking around and tearfully experiencing the welcoming arms of friend and family enfolding him as he entered the next chapter. Resting in the knowledge of a life well lived and the satisfaction (such an insufficient word) in the perfect recollection of his words and works.

That having been said, I will spend the evening reflecting on the impressions I've had of President Faust and the impact he has had on my own spiritual growth. The main lesson I'm thinking about right now, though, is how much I'd like to be in a situation similar to his when I pass on. But then, President Faust's life was largely spend in teaching me how to do just that.

On a political note...

2007-08-06T08:04:00.000-06:00

Ok I'm back-had one of those writer's blocks, you know...

I came back yesterday from a campout with a number of kids from the school I work at, which provides the opportunity for more informal discussions. I tend to provoke the more controversial type, partly because it's fun, and partly because it gives me a chance to see how the kids handle the emotional interchange--then I can intervene, challenge, redirect, all that good therapeutic stuff.

Anyway, as I was talking, I realized that I'm evolving somewhat in my political views. Maybe it's the people I hang around with at work, maybe it's war fatigue, maybe I'm "maturing," I don't know. But I'm starting to lean more toward the independent side. I have always supported the conservative ideals of the Republican platform, and still do. However, it doesn't seem like Republicans can stick to their platform to the extent that real changes can get done. They seem as distractible and susceptible to corruption and pork-vending as the next guy once they actually get into office. Look at the most recent Republican powerhouse we had-Republican president, Republican controlled House & Senate; wouldn't you think that would be a slam-dunk for pushing through legislation that cut back on ridiculous entitlements and removing very silly judges?

Ok there has been some progress; such as taxes being lowered and conservative supreme court justices. And I am a staunch believer that 9/11 sort of took over the conservative agenda, seeing as how it created an instant recession and the need for huge defense spending. That all sort of made it difficult to concentrate on the benefits of lowered taxes and social agenda changes. That having been said, there was much, MUCH too much attention to the polls among the Republican ranks and not enough doing what what they were voted in for.

Don't worry-there's no way I'd go Democrat. I've used my enhanced therapist listening and empathetic skills to delve into the Democrat and Liberal-believe it or not, they're not always synonymous-philosophy among my colleagues and clients, and it really does seem to be based in a class system; the upper class (smartest, most privileged) should leverage their power (read: government) to "take care of" the lower class (dumbest, poorest). While it may seem that this is compatible with charity as Christ taught, the difference is that taking care of the poor involves forcing everyone to be charitable-through taxes. Combine that with their platform view that championing free will includes the slaughter of the unborn, and you have a party that I'm incompatible with...

So what are the alternatives? I'm not sure--some of the other parties seem a bit overfocused on specific issues and attract some real weirdos. Not to mention they never win. I just think I'm going to be paying a lot more attention to all the candidates now--not just the ones from the Republican party, regardless of what the party's platform is. That doesn't seem binding enough to guarantee consistent, conservative decision-making.

On Friends and Friendship

2007-06-15T16:00:00.000-06:00

I had lunch with an old friend today and was surprised how good it felt. Cody was with me throughout the grueling two years I spent as a grad student at the University of Nebraska, where he is now a professor in family studies after receiving his Ph.D. at BYU. As I drove home I stopped to consider why it was such a pleasant experience.

I don't have a lot of friends, in the "bosom friend" category anyway (see "Anne of Green Gables" for that definition). I have my wife, of course, who thankfully is a friend as well as life partner, lover, coach, and therapist. I have an old friend from my mission named Loren who I see every few years, but we don't talk much. I am around a lot of friendly people at work and church, but they (and I) definitely have our boundaries. It's not terribly hard to achieve that "friendly" relationship with a lot of people, but it's been difficult to achieve "friendship" over the years. I think I know some of the reasons for that (and doubtless there are other reasons I'm not aware of):

1) I tend to spend a lot of time at home. That's not something I intend to change.
2) I have a sort of odd sense of humor that takes some getting used to.
3) I don't particularly enjoy a lot of the things guys tend to enjoy as "guys," like fishing, hunting, working on cars, handiman projects, etc.
4) I'm a little shy, believe it or not, and I like to do a lot of solo pasttimes, like reading, video games, movies, etc.
5) I like to fool around, but I have an occasional need for intellectually stimulating conversation, which is a little hard to come by. The inverse of this is that if you're talking about fishing, hunting, working on cars, and a number of other topics, I will shortly become extremely uninteresting, not because these topics are not "intellectual," but because I'm hopelessly ignorant about them.

I have tried to strike up friendships over the years by inviting people (couples) over and playing games, striking up witty repartee at work, being curious about their lives and conversations. Ultimately, however, I either get no reciprocating invites, or I find out the person's kind of obnoxious. Oh, the other angle is that I have struck up great relationships with women, since in my line of work, I'm quite outnumbered in the gender department. However, there are personal and social and religious (?) taboos about just how deep such a friendship can go, so there goes that.

What I found today is that my best friendships tend to come with shared experience. My lunch with Cody was pleasant because we had so many unspoken understandings and shared experiences. My old friend Loren and I were together for three months in Argentina, and then for about a year as roommates, which provided plenty of that "shared experience" to build on. And of course Julie and I are on our 16th year of very shared experiences...

What to do with this insight? Do I have a personality that takes awhile to get used to? Are my criteria for friendship too hard to achieve? And as a follow-up, should I simply enjoy the friendly people more than I presently allow? Do I need true friendships to be thrust upon me as in the case of Cody and Loren, or do I have some choice in the matter that I'm not using? Difficult questions to think about and even harder to answer, if indeed there are answers.

When "vacation" is not a vacation

2007-06-12T18:28:00.000-06:00

I'm on vacation right now, which can be interpreted in a number of ways, including "taking a much-needed rest," "in the sunny bahamas," or just perhaps "in a relaxed state of mind."

I'm thinking my vacation is under the category of just "not being at work."

Ostensibly, I'm here in Nebraska to attend my 20-year high school reunion, which will begin this weekend. However, since Nebraska is my homeland and my family has not moved around much, much of this week will involve visiting family and the obligatory touching base with old friends.

Don't get me wrong-I love my family. I value making and maintaining important connections in life. I'm a family therapist, for Pete's sake. It's just that there needs to be some kind of demarkation between the term "vacation" and maintaining familial bonds, because this vacation ain't about relaxation, I'll tell you that much. Here's a rundown of how my "vacation" will be spent:

Sunday: Drive all day to Nebraska (12-14 hours). Minimize arguing, fighting, screaming, crying, car problems, fatigue and other travel phenomena.

Monday: Hang out with tired, grumpy kids at Grandparents' house. Try hard to keep little ones from breaking something at Grandma's house or soiling something important.

Tuesday: Go to Zoo. Try to inspire big kids' interest in animals in the face of bad smells, hot, sticky, humid weather and unaccustomed amounts of walking. Smile at the people who stare at your screaming little ones who really didn't want to share their animal crackers with big brothers. Travel three more hours to Sister's house in Iowa (see Sunday agenda).

Wednesday: Follow little ones around to keep them from trashing their cousins' "stuff." Try to navigate Sister's family's family culture and avoid any serious faux pas's (what is the plural form of "faux pas?"). Compete with 5 teenagers for computer time. Feel guilty for idly typing while 2-year-old is screaming. Try to orchestrate meaningful conversation or bonding in the middle of what is a normal business week at Sister's home.

Thursday: Return to Grandma's house (see Sunday agenda combined with Monday agenda). This day probably may have the most potential for some actual relaxation, though experience has shown that 2 & 4 year olds have a radar for getting into the most trouble when you have the best opportunity for relaxation.

Friday: Prepare for and participate in first installment of high school reunion. This could actually be interesting, but I imagine there will be some amount of dealing with Julie's stress of being displayed for scrutiny while dealing with the effects of humidity on her hair.

Saturday: Make arrangements for and execute Reunion Pot Luck Lunch. Dress for and attend Reunion Dinner while dealing with the effects of high humidity and a constant light sheen of perspiration. Actually, I am looking forward to this event-I am VERY curious to see what has become of the kids I grew up with. I attended the same school from kindergarten to graduation, and while I haven't kept in touch with any of the kids I went to school with, they remain a big part of my memories. I wish I could say I didn't care much about what they thought of ME, but the truth is that I grew out my beard for the occasion because I wanted to look more impressive as a grown up and a therapist. That's right-I admit it.

Sunday: See last Sunday's agenda.

The old quip is "I need a vacation from my vacation" and I'll likely be spreading it around next Monday at work. I'll have to create mini-vacations during the quiet moments in my office while lobbying for separate categories of "vacation" time which adequately address "performing responsible extended friend and family maintenance" AND "actual relaxation and recharging."

7 Random Things About Me

2007-05-28T20:19:00.001-06:00

OK so I've been "tagged" so I am obligated to come up with 7 random things about myself. This is actually harder than I thought--I think most of the family knows all about me because I like to talk about random things...

1) I am much heavier than I look. I have always been this way. I easily win prizes off those guys at the amusement parks who try to guess your weight. I think it's because I have drunk (drank? drinken?) a LOT of milk. My bones are quite dense-here's proof: I have never broken a bone, and not for lack of trying. Other side effects: I never could do many pull-ups and those doctors' weight charts say I'm obese.

2) I wasn't born in the church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). My parents joined the church when I was three, just in time for me to grow up in the church. I often think about how improbable it was, how long the odds were against it, that I would have a chance to grow up knowing the truths of the gospel while living in a really small town in western Iowa. As a result I have had a lifelong preparation for service in the church and the blessing of answers only found in the gospel through modern prophets. The difference that made in the direction of my life is impossible to measure. Oh I think my parents would have raised me with good morals, etc., but I never would have met Julie, I wouldn't be speaking Spanish, I probably wouldn't be a therapist, etc., etc.

3) I was a thespian in high school (Ok, don't get worried, that just means "actor"). I dropped out of wrestling halfway through my sophomore year (I just don't have that eye of the tiger) and tried out for the winter play and got the lead role. And from there I was in just about every play 'til I graduated. I did one small play my freshman year in college but never again-too much work, too little time.

4) I cannot do math. I swear the neurotransmitters in my brain turn into molasses when I'm trying to figure out complex math or story problems, or even those brain teasers that require several steps to put together the answers. Ugh.

5) I really like to dance, though I haven't done it for years. I'm just talking about moving the body to the music, not the ballroom, ballet, modern, interpretive or anything like that. It's just an amazing, intense, and rare experience to let it all go and feel the music without a bunch of thoughts complicating things. This is largely based on memories, however--I don't know what this all would look like now, sadly.

6) I have heavily muscled calves. Freakishly chisled. I don't know why. I don't exercise or lift weights-they've always been like that. Probably related to random fact #1.

7) My parents were both amazing horse people. Mom was Missouri state rodeo queen. Dad was also an accomplished rider--did tricks from the back of a horse in his "rough riders" club as a lad. His dad raised and trained horses. Then they moved away from the farm when I was 5 and none of these skills were passed on to me.

I know that you all probably feel very close to me right now, having read all of these intimate facts about me. As your therapist, I can tell you this is normal, and it will pass.

Finding Balance

2007-05-20T21:13:00.000-06:00

Ok, so to counteract the dangerous levels of testosterone produced by my handiman skills, I've been doing some baking lately. My rhubarb plant has been producing like mad already, so much so that I've baked three pies and taken some rhubarb to work to distribute. I have to say that my initial strawberry rhubarb pie was... well, it was just amazing. I'm really not being boastful. It was nirvana in a crust-thanks to Jenny for her crust recipe! We were out of strawberries for my 2nd endeavor, so I attempted the straight rhubarb version-Ok, but it was merely terrestrial. The sweetness of the strawberries was not there to counteract the tart rhubarb, and so I found there to be something of a bitter aftertaste, though Julie disagreed. Tonight I had strawberries and one banana, so I added those to the rhubarb. I'll let you know how that turns out. The banana may prove to overpower the tart.

So here we find two metaphors for finding balance in life. As I've mentioned before, I have weeks where I am not feeling very happy or motivated, usually during the winter months. There are probably myriad reasons for this, including lack of sunlight, the fact that the kids at work are usually having their own stress/down periods (never do therapy with more than two depressed people in a row!), and the fact that there's little balance between work at work and work at home (the 5-kid variety)-it all just feels like work. What about fun? Well I do like the occasional video game, but video games are like a straight sugar diet-yeah they provide a quick pickup but you tend to feel a bit empty afterwards. And of course I do love my time with Julie but there's precious little non-tired, sans-kids time with my lovely lady.

Part of the problem has always been that I don't have all that many hobbies. When I was a kid I read a lot, and participated in the occasional sport, did the scouting thing, etc. When I got big, however, between school and parenting, and not having much money, hobbies always seemed like a luxury for the privileged, childless, and empty-nested. It has pricked my awareness lately though, that being able to go outside, accomplish small fix-it tasks, getting some sun, and particularly working on my garden have noticeably improved my energy level and outlook on things. It's like a tonic (whatever a tonic is) for the soul. I started the garden last year when my job was seeming intolerably stressful, and found that 15-20 minutes right before going inside helped things considerably.

SO for now I'm enjoying the balance and it seems to be beneficial for my family and work situation as well. The question remains, however-what about this winter, and those that follow? What will counteract the gloom?

I have become a man.

2007-05-10T17:06:00.000-06:00

You might be asking, "Isn't having 5 kids enough evidence for you, Paul?" No-anyone with the proper equipment can father children. Perhaps providing for my family? This goes a long way, but no, that's merely obligation. Chest hairs? Deep voice? Please. No, my friends, manhood was achieved this week through a much more elusive process. That's right. You guessed it.

I...have changed out a sprinkler head.

Shocking, I know. Dirt under the fingernails. Potential danger of getting wet. Possible plumber's crack. I braved it all. And when all was said and done and water was enthusiastically spraying the kid on the bike coming up the street, my wife congratulated me in hushed tones with reverent adoration. It's good to be a man.

It didn't happen all at once. It's a "line upon line" kind of thing. Last year I bought a stud finder (the hardware guy must have seen potential in me). I put up a couple of hooks in the closet, which led to another milestone-putting that white stuff in the "practice" holes. More recently, I put up some shelves in my kids' room with a drill and level. I've even crawled around in my, er, crawl space and figured out the plumbing (Vic helped). All of this has led up to this glorious day.

I don't know where it will go from here, and I vacillate between feeling excitement for the possibilities and fear of the unknown. Since the sprinkler head thing, I dug up a leaking sprinkler system hose, clipped it with my garden shears, stuck the ends onto a dealy-bob that the hardware guy gave me, and voila! No more leak! I mean, where does it stop? Will I become addicted to this kind of thing and feel compelled to quit my job and become a fix-it guy? Is there some kind of group for this? What if Julie comes home one day and doesn't recognize me in my painter's pants, tool belt, and backwards baseball cap? Maybe I need to slow down. Next thing you know I'll be changing the oil in my car. --shudder--

Therapy Days

2007-04-25T14:28:00.001-06:00

A teacher told me today that they heard some girls in the bathroom saying "Paul's a really good therapist--I usually don't do well with male therapists but I feel like I can talk to him." So it's one of those good therapy days. It's one of those days when I'm thinking, "I was born to do this," as opposed to "What was I thinking going into this field-I'm ruining these people," or simply, "I stink-they think I'm an idiot."

What makes the difference? Sometimes it just feels like I'm "in the zone"-there's just a tickle in the back of my head that says "this approach fits;" square peg in square hole; Like when a person is getting emotional or angry about something, sometimes I just shut up, lean forward, and encourage them to keep talking, regardless of how inane or irrational their thought process is--because they just need to be heard first, before they can take any psychobabble in. But other times people need you to get in their face and say "Says who? What makes you think that this is the only solution? Who are you to say ___?" or "Honestly you sound like a spoiled brat." And depending on how well you've established 1) your expertise, and 2) the assurance that you like and respect them despite their mistakes and quirks, they'll actually sit back (sometimes angry, sometimes pensive) and think.

Other times? Ugh. Everything I say is wrong or misstated or misunderstood or off the mark. You can see it in their faces--it's like "Huh? Where did that comment come from? You don't get me at all!" Or worse, when there's a kid I've been working with for awhile that suddenly regresses into old behaviors or attitudes, and despite all the "trust" work I've done, they suddenly clam up or verbally abuse the parents (they very rarely abuse me) and we come up against the 60 minute mark and I've got another appointment and NOTHING has gotten accomplished and I awkwardly escort them out the door. That's when I go home and stare at the wall and wake up at night thinking.

Believe me, I've tried to isolate the factors involved with different kind of days-I can't really find it. It's just the nature of the beast. Or I could be totally off on that; maybe I'm magnesium deficient on the bad days, or I prayed extra well those other days. Or maybe NOBODY would do well with some clients some days. I don't know. I'm just glad I get days like this every once in a while. They keep me going and I bank some credibility points for the bad days.

Welcome to Me

2007-04-22T22:12:00.000-06:00

Had to stay home from church today, again. My wife Julie leads the music for the kids at church so it has fallen to me to stay home with sick kids for the last 6 months or so. With 5 kids with the ability to pick up germs in multiple locales (3 different schools, church classes, nursury, etc.), that means I'm gone from church at least once a month, at least in the winter. Makes me wonder whether this is noticed in my High Priest's quorum, or whether I'm still new enough in the ward that I'm only remembered when I'm there... (Oh, is the new kid still here? I can never keep track of these youngsters and their comings and goings...)

About me. Strengths: I've never been good at getting many of my thoughts down for myself, but I've always been good with the English language. I've been a ravenous reader from an early age, and so I have a pretty good vocabulary and when words are spelled wrong or grammar is off it just "feels" wrong. I "see" words spelled out in my head. Something had to compensate for my math skills. I've also been able to carry a tune from a very early age and though I have a limited range that improves with practice, I'm a pretty good baritone. My biggest advantage in this life, I think, is that I have a conscience that won't quit and a sensitivity to the spirit, when I at least half-listen. Not that that's kept me from all trouble, but it keeps me repenting on a regular basis, and is probably responsible for my ridiculously happy marriage of 16 years.

On the other hand, when I try my hand at math my head goes in to a fuzz that makes me feel like I'm trying to push thoughts through molasses. I scrapped my way through my math classes (mostly C's) in high school until I got to pre-calculus my senior year, and thought "Wait-don't I have enough math to graduate?" and that was that. I didn't do anymore math until I was 28 and having to take the Graduate Record Exam (my sister-in-law taught me algebra all over again). 2nd major shortfall-I tend to get run-down and depressed in the winter. It's probably a condition we therapists call "Seasonal Affective Disorder"-it makes it hard to stay at work all day and concentrate, and I get a little more grumpy with family. It's not something I'm proud of. 3rd, and this is probably related, I have difficulty with motivation to "magnify"--not just my church callings, but anything that really counts. It's lucky that my strengths emerge often enough to keep me in a positive light generally, but nobody likes the word "potential" when you don't think that you live up to it, you know?

Again, I'm not sure if anyone will ultimately read these posts, but maybe I'll pretend you're all my therapists for awhile.

38 year writers block

2007-04-21T15:53:00.000-06:00

I've been inspired by my sisters in law to start this blog as a way of getting some thoughts out. I've started journals in the past but they've never lasted long--except for my mission, of course, but even that was kind of spotty. Maybe this will work because there's an outside chance that someone will read it. So does that mean my motivation is a narcissistic need for my thoughts and writing to be validated by others? Isn't obedience to the Lord's commandment to keep records enough? Hmmm.

As I've considered what I would use this blog for, I imagine it will not always be very entertaining. I have thoughts sometimes on various topics that I start organizing, restating, and composing in my head in written form (yes sometimes my thoughts have letters and punctuation), then I think "I should really get this down in case I journal or write a book or something in the future," and then move on and forget it. Most of these thoughts are just work related or opinions about ways to do things, but sometimes I feel they're whisperings and then feel bad later for not writing them down. Therefore, the topics will probably be varied and inconsistently coherent.

And my first interruption now takes me from this post. Time to pick up the older boys from their movie.